A healthy self-esteem is key to your child’s happiness and success, both now and in the future. Lack of confidence and over-confidence are both signs that a child’s self-esteem isn’t quite as strong as it could be. So how can we, as parents, help build it?
Following on from our first article in this series, 7 Useful Tips On How To Build Self Esteem In Your Child, parenting expert Val Mullaly offers 7 more useful tips on how to build self-esteem in your child.
Connection is the second key to building your child’s self-esteem. Imagine this scenario.
“Ok. We need to go now. Come on, let’s get on your shoes and socks.”
Jim grabs the sock and his toddler’s foot. In an instant this scene changes from relaxed play to a toddler rolling on the floor, screaming. Jim tries to wrestle the sock onto his son’s foot, while the toddler squirms, writhes and roars on the floor.
“Don’t be silly,” scolds Jim.
It makes sense that any parent can become frustrated with an uncooperative toddler. Why do they have to be so unreasonable, especially when we’re in a rush? What we, as parents, often don’t realise is that it’s in everyday moments like this that, one small incident at a time, we break or build a child’s self-esteem.
Our responsibility — and our challenge — as parents is to be aware of the three keys to self-esteem, and how we can unlock each one, so that a child develops a strong sense of self.
I don’t see this toddler’s behaviour as silly, bold or naughty. I don’t see it as defiant. I see it as healthy behaviour in a young child. Think of it: at this stage his skills are just developing. He needs to learn to do things for himself, to practise until he’s mastered each little skill. Putting on a sock is a big deal when you’re a toddler — it’s a life skill he’s trying to master.
It’s a stage of development he needs to move through successfully on his journey to accomplishing even greater skills. That’s why I see his protest as healthy behaviour. Learning to do things for himself is a necessary step on the journey to growing up.
Remember the first key to building your child’s self-esteem we talked about? Build your child’s competence. Build his ability to do things for himself, because competence builds confidence. When you give your child enough time to put on his socks himself, with your calm, relaxed support, you build his competence in that skill. And as he becomes more competent, he feels more confident. A child needs his autonomy — to be able to do things for himself.
And this brings us to the second key to building your child’s self-esteem — the child’s need to belong. A sense of belonging, of connection, is core to your child’s self-esteem. He needs to feel a sense of belonging to himself: “I can put my sock on for myself.” And he also has a strong need to feel a sense of belonging and connection with you. When Jim became frustrated, his toddler son sensed the disconnection and protested. All conflict is a protest at disconnection.
So at times like this, when a young child insists on doing things himself, he isn’t being naughty or defiant. He’s struggling to assert his need to develop competence. When he tries to express this, your frustrated reaction — or your helpful response — deeply impacts his sense of belonging and connection, because the parent is the mirror through which the child sees himself.
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Tips to Build Your Child’s Sense of Belonging and Connection
#1. Let them do things themselves
Wherever possible, let your toddler do things for herself when she wants to — she needs to “belong to herself.”
#2. Let your child know your intentions in advance
None of us like to be caught unawares. Your child needs a sense of “belonging” to her own body. For example, if she needs a nose-wipe, tell her before you do it.
#3. Build in time to let them do things
As far as possible, build enough time into your schedule for your child to do things she wants to do for herself.
#4. Put yourself in their shoes
When you feel yourself becoming frustrated, notice your own thoughts — for example, “She is deliberately defying me.” Try instead to imagine the situation from her perspective. She’s trying to express her needs and her view of the world, which are key parts of belonging to herself.
Recommended reading: Alvin Price Says It All About Self Esteem in Children
#5. When possible, give choices
For example, say, “Do you want to put on your socks yourself, or do you want me to put them on for you?” Your child needs to develop a connection to her own preferences and an awareness that she can make choices in life.
#6. Avoid shaming or name-calling
If you repeatedly call your child “silly,” she’ll come to believe she belongs in the group of “silly” people. And when she believes she’s silly, she’ll act silly.
#7. Acknowledge their perspective
When there isn’t time, or it isn’t suitable for her to do a task herself, you can still acknowledge her perspective. For example: “You really want to put your socks on yourself, but right now we’re in a hurry and I need you to let me help you.” This helps her stay connected to her own desires without losing connection with you.
It doesn’t mean a meltdown won’t sometimes happen — but your awareness of your child’s need to “belong to self,” as well as stay connected to you, can help you respond in a way that builds her self-esteem.
Remember: your child’s behaviour is about him. Your response is about you. Recognising the parenting moments we don’t always handle well is the first step to figuring out how to handle them more helpfully next time.
Related Reading
- 7 Useful Tips On How To Build Self Esteem In Your Child
- Why These 7 Good Tips Help Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem
- The One Secret Most Parents Don’t Know About Children’s Self-Esteem
- Alvin Price Says It All About Self Esteem in Children
We’d love to hear from you — share your own experiences and questions about the everyday challenges of building your child’s self-esteem in the comments below.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the second key to building a child’s self-esteem?
The second key is connection — your child’s sense of belonging, both to himself and to you as his parent. Everyday moments, like getting dressed or having his nose wiped, are opportunities to build or dent that sense of belonging.
Why does my toddler resist help with simple tasks like getting dressed?
It’s usually not defiance. Toddlers are practising life skills and asserting their growing independence. Letting them try, with patient support, builds both competence and confidence.
What can I do if I don’t have time to let my child do something themselves?
Acknowledge their wish out loud — for example, “I know you want to do it yourself, but we’re in a hurry and I need to help right now.” This keeps the connection intact even when you can’t give them the time to do it alone.
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