Between the promise of Santa, treats galore, and the buildup to present-opening, Christmas can feel like a very big deal to kids. So what happens when the day doesn’t go the way your child hoped? Here are 3 traps parents often fall into when a child is disappointed at Christmas — and some practical tips to help your child cope.
Christmas morning. Wrapping paper flying, squeals of delight — “Look what I got!” But when Jamie opens his present, he goes quiet and stares at the floor. His mum glances over anxiously.
Perhaps, like Jamie’s mum, you’ve felt that same flicker of worry — how do you help a child cope with disappointment at Christmas, whether it’s about a present that didn’t arrive under the tree or something bigger, like a parent who isn’t there on the day?
In the scene below, see if you can spot the three traps a parent might fall into when a child is disappointed. Then we’ll look at what actually helps.
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Spot the Traps a Parent Can Fall Into
“What’s the matter, Jamie?” Granddad asks from across the room. Now all eyes are on Jamie.
“I didn’t want a stupid jigsaw puzzle. I wanted a Nintendo.”
“You should be grateful for what you get!” says Grandad. “When I was little I’d have loved a jigsaw like that.”
The attention is too much for Jamie. He bursts into tears.
We should have warned him he wouldn’t be getting it.
“Come on, Jamie,” Dad says, trying to soothe him. “Big boys don’t cry. The Nintendo was more than we can afford.”
Jamie throws the jigsaw to the floor and storms out of the room.
The other children stare glumly at the closed door. Grandad shakes his head, his eyebrows knotting into a frown.
Notice what didn’t help here. In just a few seconds, several things tipped this family into a downward spiral.
3 Traps Parents Fall Into When a Child Is Disappointed at Christmas
TRAP #1 Putting the spotlight on a child when he’s battling a big emotion
Jamie was already struggling to contain himself. If the attention had stayed off him, that wave of emotion might have simply washed over him — and he could well have regained his composure on his own.
TRAP #2 Telling a child he should be grateful
If a child is disappointed, he’s disappointed. He can’t simply choose his feelings. What he needs isn’t a reminder to be grateful — it’s support to learn how to handle the emotional reaction he’s actually having.
TRAP #3 Shaming a child for his reaction
This might look like comparing him to other, “better-behaved” children, or telling him that his tears (or other signs of upset) aren’t okay.
Sometimes our best-laid plans go wrong, especially over the festive season, and it’s easy for strong emotions to bubble over. But when we think ahead, we can often steer things toward a different outcome.
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How to Help Your Child Cope with Disappointment
TIP #1 Wait for a quiet moment
If your child is disappointed, it’s usually more helpful to wait for a quieter moment later in the day to talk it through. When that moment comes, focus on listening to his experience. What matters most is that he senses you’re trying to understand and connect with how he’s feeling.
TIP #2 Check in with your intuition before you speak
Ask yourself: does my child need support right now, or is it better to let him ride out this wave of emotion? This often depends on his age and temperament. If you sense he needs you in the moment, it can help to simply come close — a hand on the shoulder if others are around, letting him know you see his upset without putting him further in the spotlight.
TIP #3 Warn your child ahead of time
A child’s disappointment will be far greater if he’s built up an expectation. If your child has told you exactly what he’d love for Christmas and it isn’t going to happen, it’s much easier for him to handle the disappointment if he knows this in advance, rather than finding out on the day.
It would have been easy for Jamie’s parents to stretch their budget to get him the expensive toy he wanted. But that’s not really the fix. We can’t protect our children from ever feeling disappointed — that’s part of life. What we can do is help them learn to handle difficult emotions when they come.
Have you had a moment like this with a disappointed child? How did you handle it? We’d love to hear about it in the comments.
Browse More Parenting Ideas
If this has been useful, save it for the run-up to Christmas so it’s easy to find again — and take a browse through our other parenting articles for more ideas on handling big feelings and family moments, festive or otherwise.
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