Do you have an anxious child? Have you been wondering how best to help them? Parenting coach Val Mullally shares five practical tips to help overcome anxiety in kids that you can start using today.
She’s hardly more than three, walking hand in hand with her father in the park. Suddenly she lets out a shriek and stops. Her wail stops her father in his tracks.
His eyes follow her fixed stare at her boots. There’s a slight spattering of mud on them.
“Uuuuh — oooooh,” the child moans.
“That’s nothing. It’s just a bit of mud on your boots,” her dad soothes. “It’s your jacket I’d be worried about.”
In a few words, her father first eases his daughter’s anxiety — then weaves it into a tighter knot. Now she’s worrying about her coat too! A few inadvertent words can impose worry on our children without us ever meaning to.
Tips to Help Overcome Anxiety in Kids
Anxiety can grow into something that chokes our children’s joy. The word “anxious” comes from the Latin anxius, related to angere, “to choke.” Your child’s anxiety may be choking her enjoyment of everyday life — exploring the world, making friends, simply feeling settled in the moment.
We live in a world that teaches us, and our children, to worry. Consumer culture often sends a quiet message: you’re not pretty enough, clever enough, organised enough, safe enough. Every time we buy into a “not enough” message, we buy into anxiety.
If we don’t want to raise children consumed by anxiety, we need a conscious antidote.
If you’re concerned about your child’s anxiety, here are five keys that can help raise their emotional intelligence.
#1. Key One: Name the Anxious Emotion
Anxiety doesn’t go away because we say “don’t worry.” It’s far more helpful to name the emotion your child is experiencing.
“You’re worried about the mud on your boots.”
“Sometimes you feel anxious when you get dirt on your clothes.”
Naming the emotion “normalises” it. Your child senses that this feeling must be common enough to have a name. Once she can name it, she can claim it — “yes, that’s what I’m feeling” — and once she can claim it, she can begin to tame it, taking control of the emotion rather than letting it control her.
#2. Key Two: ‘Normalise’ Her Emotional Reaction
Feelings are never wrong; it’s what we do with them that counts. Everyone feels anxious sometimes — anxiety isn’t “wrong.”
In fact, anxiety is an important emotion that helps keep us safe. It makes us more alert in potentially risky situations. How long would a rabbit survive if it weren’t timid? (“Timid” describes anxious behaviour.)
There’s a time and a place for feeling anxious.
#3. Key Three: Help Your Child to ‘Tame’ Her Anxiety
To thrive, your child needs to experience anxiety as an occasional emotion that guides her to stay safe — and this matters just as much for boys as for girls. She needs to be in charge of the emotion, to “tame” it, rather than the emotion being in charge of her.
When the feeling is strong, reassure her that you’re there to keep her safe, and help her learn to take slow, deep breaths when she feels anxious. Later, once she’s calm and it’s a quiet, connected moment, listen to what made her feel anxious and ask what might help her feel safe next time.
Having a plan to deal with anxiety before it takes hold can lessen future anxious moments.
With younger children who can’t yet talk through feelings this way, a storybook can help your child process anxiety — or you can create your own story together. For example, if your child is anxious about being away from you, try reading Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson. (Always make sure she genuinely is safe, emotionally and physically, when she is apart from you.)
#4. Key Four: Support Your Child to Reassure Her Anxiety
Become more aware of how the emotion of anxiety can actually be helpful.
The film Inside Out is a lovely one to watch with slightly older children — and worth watching yourself too, to think about how emotions, including anxiety (fear), play a vital role in our lives.
The big question to ask is: “What is my anxiety telling me? Is there something I need to do to stay safe here?”
When we, as parents, choose to have a dialogue with anxiety rather than ignoring it or letting it take over, we develop insight that helps our children deal with theirs too.
#5. Key Five: Contain Your Own Anxiety
Emotions are contagious. If you don’t contain your own anxiety, it’s likely to spread to your children.
When parents become over-anxious, we sometimes try to take control of things that aren’t really ours to control. We start telling our children what they must and mustn’t do, what they should or shouldn’t think or feel.
We get in the way of them experiencing their own lives for themselves. Our anxiety, however well-meant, can end up affecting their wellbeing too.
It’s worth checking in with yourself when you feel anxious — what’s really going on for you? — rather than letting that anxiety spill into your children’s lives. If you feel your own anxiety is getting in the way of being the parent you want to be, it can help to talk to a trusted professional, such as a GP, family support service, or a qualified parenting coach or counsellor.
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FAQs About Anxiety in Kids
Is it normal for children to feel anxious?
Yes. Anxiety is a normal, healthy emotion that helps keep us alert to potential danger. Occasional worry or fear isn’t a sign that something is wrong — it’s part of how children (and adults) navigate the world safely.
What’s the first thing I should do when my child seems anxious?
Start by naming the feeling rather than dismissing it. Saying something like “you seem worried about that” helps your child recognise and understand what they’re feeling, which is the first step toward managing it.
How can I help my child manage anxiety in the moment?
Reassure them that you’re there to keep them safe, and gently guide them through slow, deep breaths. Save the deeper conversation — what triggered the feeling, and what might help next time — for a calmer moment afterwards.
Can my own anxiety affect my child?
Yes, emotions are contagious between parents and children. Checking in with your own feelings and staying calm, where possible, helps your child feel more secure.
When should I seek extra support for my child’s anxiety?
If anxiety is frequent, intense, or affecting your child’s daily life, sleep, or friendships, it’s a good idea to talk to your GP or a qualified child psychologist or family support professional for guidance suited to your child.
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Looking for more ideas to support your family’s wellbeing? Browse our other family life articles for more practical parenting tips, or save this one to come back to whenever you need it.
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