Do you have a child heading to secondary school for the first time? Here are top tips for parents on the transition to starting secondary school.
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Many children start secondary school after the summer, and stepping into the teen years can bring a new set of challenges for parents. Here are some tips to help you navigate this new time.
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Tips for Parents for Your Child Starting Secondary School
The more responsibility you give, the more responsible they become
Encourage and support your teenager to take on new challenges as they move to secondary school. Use the summer as an opportunity to give them chances to become more independent and self-reliant.
Letting them make decisions for themselves teaches them to be more responsible and accountable in the later teen years — especially if they’ve already had plenty of opportunities to learn from making a bad decision.
They need practice making decisions
I remember my daughter at twelve wanting to spend a good chunk of her birthday money on a mini fridge for her bedroom, which I knew she would regret. I found it hard to hold back — I wanted her to spend it on something her sisters had chosen at that age instead.
I knew my challenge was to let her make the “wrong” choice and live with the consequences. Allowing her to buy the mini fridge (which she did later regret) meant she learned from making a poor decision.
Allow your teen to experience the consequences of their actions and to live with their decisions. Younger teens need to take responsibility for what they choose so they’re equipped to make the harder decisions that face older teens.
Make sure they know they’re responsible for their own decisions and have to live with the consequences. Plenty of low-stakes chances to decide for themselves early on helps them make better choices later.
Set challenges to build competence and self-esteem
Over the summer, a project like painting their bedroom together can be a great opportunity for quality time and for teaching a new skill. Let them decide how the room should be done up.
My daughter, at 13, picked out some flat-pack furniture and put it together by herself over a weekend. It gave her real confidence — she felt genuinely competent, and that’s one of the key ingredients of self-esteem.
Having someone who believes you can do it helps, and it needs to feel safe to make a mistake. But if you want a teen who’s happy to take on a challenge like this, you need to start when they’re young — giving them the time and space to try things, and teaching them new skills to encourage independence along the way.
An overprotective parent ends up doing too much for the child, and over time this can undermine their confidence — until they stop asking to “do it myself” altogether.
Mornings begin the night before
Give them an alarm clock and let them take responsibility for getting themselves up. Set a boundary that you’ll call them once, and once only, each morning. Children from around the age of seven can make their own lunches if parents take the time to show them how, with plenty of encouragement and support.
If that hasn’t happened yet, now is a good time to start. Set a good example by getting everything ready together the night before — bags packed, uniform laid out, shoes and sports gear sorted.
Getting up half an hour earlier creates a calmer, happier home
If you want to learn from my mistakes, get up earlier. Getting up at the last minute guarantees a stressed parent who’s low on patience, with no time to spare for the inevitable last-minute emergencies.
Order and routine really help with the transition and with coping with change generally. Setting a good example — writing a to-do list the night before, going to bed earlier so you can get up earlier, and “being the change you want to see” — really does work.
Positive parenting
It really helps to “catch them being good” and tell them what they’ve done right. The more you reflect back how competent and capable they are, the more they start to see it in themselves.
They also need to feel lovable even when they get it wrong. When they make a mistake, try to separate the child from the behaviour: “I love you, but that behaviour isn’t okay in this house. When I’ve calmed down, we’ll talk about it.”
Homework
Homework works best as a routine — as soon as they come in from school, have them sit at the kitchen table with a snack and take out their books. “As soon as” is a great response to almost any request: heading out to see friends, staying up later, anything is possible — as soon as the homework is done.
More tips for parenting teens
- Connect into and stay interested in your child’s life
- Set routines around homework, dinnertime and bedtimes
- Model good habits: to-do lists, going to bed early, getting up early, allowing enough time
- Doing less for them teaches them to do more for themselves
- Build self-esteem by reflecting back their worth and their good qualities
- Show you believe in them
- Give them real opportunities to take things on
- Help them become independent and self-reliant
Sheila O’Malley is one of Ireland’s leading parenting experts, who established Practical Parenting to offer support and training to parents. She facilitates corporate programmes and delivers talks on personal and family wellbeing.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What’s the biggest change parents notice when a child starts secondary school?
Most parents notice their child needing — and wanting — more independence, from managing their own morning routine to organising homework and belongings across several subjects. Giving small, safe opportunities to practise this before term starts makes the adjustment smoother.
How can I help my child become more independent before secondary school?
Start small over the summer: let them set an alarm and get themselves up, pack their own bag, or take charge of a simple household project. Letting them make decisions — and occasionally the wrong one — builds the judgement they’ll need later.
What routines help most with the transition to secondary school?
Getting organised the night before (uniform, bag, equipment) and having a consistent homework routine straight after school both help enormously. Getting up half an hour earlier than feels necessary also takes a surprising amount of stress out of mornings.
How do I support my child without being overprotective?
Give them real opportunities to try things, including the chance to get it wrong sometimes. Stay warm and encouraging, but resist the urge to step in and fix every problem — that’s how they build genuine competence and confidence.
Have your say! Anything else that helped you or that you’d share about your child starting secondary school? Tell us in the comments below.
Related Articles
- 14 Useful Tips for the Transition to Secondary School
- 10 Tips for Parents for Successfully Moving from Primary to Secondary School
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