Do you have an anxious child? It can be hard to make sense of their anxiety, and as a parent it’s easy to feel powerless when your child becomes overwhelmed by it. In this article, a parenting coach shares 7 valuable insights on how to calm anxiety in your child.
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Here’s a simple way to remember these 7 insights — think of the word ANXIOUS:
- Anxiety can become All-consuming
- Anxiety is Normal
- Anxiety is not X (WRONG!)
- Anxiety is Interesting
- Anxiety is Organic
- Anxiety is Understandable
- Anxiety is Systemic
Let’s look at each of these in turn.
How To Calm Anxiety In Your Child
Anxiety Can Become All-Consuming If Left Unattended
Watch a garden through spring and you’ll see nettles and brambles grow overnight, smothering everything around them. That’s what can happen if anxiety is left unchecked.
It can become rampant — taking over and multiplying in a way that chokes healthy processing of thoughts and feelings, and chokes our interactions and behaviours too. So here are a few pointers to help your child cope with anxiety.
Anxiety is Normal
We need to help our children realise that anxiety is normal — just another feeling that’s part of the ebb and flow of daily life, one that every person experiences in some situations.
We help our children live with their experiences when we recognise and name their emotions. At times when a child is obviously anxious, it can help to name the emotion:
“You’re feeling anxious?”
When you calmly and empathetically name the anxiety, it helps your child know that this is normal. And if it’s normal, it’s not something to fear.
Anxiety is Not X (Not Wrong!)
Our feelings are never wrong — it’s what we do with them that counts. We need to help our children realise that although anxiety can feel uncomfortable, it’s a helpful emotion at times when we face unknown circumstances, because it makes our body hyper-alert and vigilant to everything going on around us.
It’s “looking out” for us!
Anxiety is Interesting
It’s interesting because it can give us deeper insight into our reactions. We can ask ourselves:
“What is my anxiety telling me?”
“What is it trying to help me learn from this situation?”
We can help our children develop this kind of self-awareness, which supports their emotional intelligence. Instead of being overwhelmed by an emotion, they can be guided by their intuitive reaction to work out what might be needed to keep themselves safe — emotionally and physically — in strange or difficult situations.
Anxiety is Organic
If you feed anxiety, it grows. So if you keep saying things like, “Oh, she’s an anxious child,” you’ll be encouraging it to take root in your child’s personality.
Instead, reflect your child’s experience in a way that helps them see anxiety doesn’t need to be permanent. At times when a child is showing signs of anxiety, you might say something like:
“You’re feeling anxious at the moment?”
The phrase “at the moment” sends the message that this isn’t permanent — and that you’re dealing with it together. It’s important to acknowledge the emotion rather than ignore it, because suppressed emotions can go underground and resurface in other, more challenging ways later on.
Anxiety is Understandable
We can see how anxiety makes sense when we stand back and look at it objectively. Once you’ve listened to what your child tells you, you can validate how this is understandable: “And that makes sense because …”
Imagine how your child might feel upset and anxious about a new situation, like going to the dentist for the first time.
The more you can help them understand what will happen ahead of time, and the calmer and more relaxed you stay while talking it through together, the more likely your child’s anxiety will stay at a level that feels manageable to them.
Anxiety is Systemic
Anxiety, like all emotions, can be systemic. If we feed it, it can grow and impact the whole “system” — both the system of one’s own body, and the wider system of a family, or even a community. In other words, one person’s anxiety can have a knock-on effect on others, and that ripple effect can become anxiety-inducing in itself.
Just as anxiety can take over and multiply in a way that chokes an individual’s healthy processing of thoughts and feelings, it can also affect interactions and behaviours across a whole family. If left unchecked, it can become rampant — in a person, in a family, or even more widely.
Bringing It Together
Take time to reflect on these 7 insights on how to calm your child’s anxiety, so you already have this awareness to hand when you need it.
These pointers can help you move anxiety from feeling like a tyrannical master to becoming a helpful servant — one that gives you useful feedback about your situation. If there are times when your child’s anxiety feels concerning, use these insights to guide things in a calmer, more helpful direction.
A child’s anxiety doesn’t always look like worry on the surface. Sometimes it shows up as shy or clingy behaviour. It might also show up as being the “clown” of the group, as a tendency to worry, or as over-protective, bossy, obsessive-compulsive or even aggressive behaviour.
FAQs About Calming a Child’s Anxiety
How do I know if my child’s anxiety is normal or something more serious?
Some anxiety is a normal part of growing up, especially around new situations or challenges. It becomes worth extra attention if it’s intense, persistent, or stopping your child from doing everyday things — in that case, it’s worth speaking to your GP or your child’s school for guidance on next steps.
What’s the best way to talk to my child about their anxiety?
Start by calmly naming the feeling — “You’re feeling anxious?” — rather than dismissing or minimising it. Empathetic, matter-of-fact language helps your child feel understood and shows them the feeling is normal and temporary.
Can my own anxiety affect my child?
Yes — anxiety can be systemic, meaning it can spread through a family. Staying as calm and grounded as you can when your child is anxious helps prevent the feeling from amplifying between you.
Should I try to stop my child feeling anxious altogether?
Not necessarily. Anxiety serves a purpose — it helps us stay alert to genuine unknowns. The goal isn’t to remove the feeling entirely, but to help your child understand it and respond to it in a healthy way.
What if my child’s anxiety shows up as difficult behaviour rather than obvious worry?
This is common. Clinginess, clowning around, bossiness or even aggression can all be ways anxiety shows itself. Looking underneath the behaviour for the feeling driving it is often the most helpful first step.
Related Articles
- 5 Practical Tips to Help Overcome Anxiety in Children
- Helping Your Child Build Emotional Resilience
- Supporting Your Child Through Big Feelings
Save These Insights For Later
Anxiety can crop up at the most unexpected moments, so it helps to have these insights ready when you need them. Bookmark this article or browse more of our family life and parenting content for practical ideas you can return to any time.
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