Mother-in-laws have long had a bit of a reputation, and while the old idea of the interfering, overbearing mother-in-law isn’t always fair, for many women this can genuinely be a difficult relationship to navigate. If mother-in-law problems are causing you stress, here are some practical, effective ways to ease the tension on all sides.
The tension caused by family dynamics like these can put a strain on even the strongest partnership. If you dread family occasions and get-togethers, or find yourself avoiding the phone when you see it’s the in-laws calling, it might be time to try some practical changes to help manage the stress caused by difficult in-laws.
When we choose a partner, we usually have a fairly clear idea of the personality, values or qualities we’re looking for — but nobody chooses a partner for their extended family. For many of us, the extended family we marry or partner into isn’t always as warm or inclusive as we’d hoped.
It’s also worth remembering that in-law stress isn’t limited to parents-in-law. Your partner may have siblings who add tension too, or you might find yourself struggling with a difficult relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law.
In-law issues can take many forms — feeling judged, criticised or excluded, feeling like someone is too involved in your family life, or feeling that demands on your time and energy are simply too much.
But before you despair, there are real, workable ways to cope with this stress and lighten the emotional load it brings.
#1. Present a United Front
Talk to your partner about the stress, anxiety or tension you’re experiencing because of your in-laws. Be sensitive when you raise it — this is their family, after all, and an unguarded conversation could easily create more tension between the two of you, which is the last thing you need.
Explain clearly what the problem is and ask for their thoughts and support in tackling it. Depending on the situation, your partner might be the right person to raise it directly with their family member, or they may simply need to back you up when the issue comes up.
You might also enjoy 7 Practical Tips for Dealing with Stress Caused By In-Laws
#2. Ask Yourself Questions
Perhaps your mother-in-law is overly critical, or a brother- or sister-in-law expects you to sort out issues on their behalf. Maybe an adult child’s partner seems to be shutting you out. Whatever the situation, it can help to ask yourself some honest questions:
- Are you being too sensitive?
- Why are you reacting the way you are?
- Do they have a valid point, and does it just sting to hear it said aloud?
- Why does their opinion matter so much to you?
- Why are you holding on to the stress after the moment has passed?
- How could you work together better to keep the peace?
- Is this particular battle really worth having?
- Is there anything you could do differently to ease the situation?
- Could you simply walk away from it?
Working through these questions can help you understand your own reaction better, give you insight into the relationship, and may even help you start letting go of some of the stress.
#3. Take the Pressure Off
If visits with your in-laws always happen in one of your homes, it can leave one person feeling at a disadvantage. Instead, try suggesting a neutral spot — a coffee out, a walk, or meeting at the playground with the kids.
Neutral territory often helps everyone feel more relaxed, and it naturally puts a time limit on the visit too. This can be especially helpful if conversation tends to feel stilted or awkward, or if the difficulty with your in-law is more about an overbearing manner.
#4. Make an Effort
Try sending a card or a text for birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates. Small gestures like this show that you care enough to remember and to mark the occasion.
Pick up the phone or send a message when they’re not expecting it. A little unexpected kindness goes a long way toward easing tension. If you know your in-law has a big meeting or event coming up, wish them well, or send a quick photo of something you think they’d enjoy while you’re out and about.
It’s also worth being the one to extend the olive branch and apologise first, even when you don’t feel entirely in the wrong. Holding onto every small grievance is exhausting — letting a few things go can defuse a lot of unnecessary tension.
#5. Keep Everything in Perspective
You can’t control someone else’s behaviour. If you dwell on the tension or attitude of your in-laws, it will wear you down and can start to feel bigger than it really is. Try to see things from their point of view where you can, and choose your battles carefully.
Sometimes we’re more sensitive than the situation calls for, and small comments can sting more than they should. Try to state your position clearly, hold your ground where it matters, and stay resilient when dealing with a difficult in-law relationship. Having your partner firmly on your side makes a real difference here.
#6. Think What is Best For Your Children
Even when your relationship with your in-laws is far from ideal, it helps to think beyond your own feelings and consider your children’s chance to build a good relationship with their extended family. Grandparents, in particular, can be a wonderful source of security, inspiration and love for children. If it would help, agree some ground rules with your partner about expectations for how your in-laws and your children interact.
We’re all individuals with different opinions, sensitivities and values, and a tense relationship rarely benefits anyone. Unless your in-laws’ behaviour is genuinely deceitful or destructive, it’s often worth trying to rise above the friction and be the bigger person.
Over to you now — what’s your best tip for dealing with mother-in-law problems? Share it with us in the comments below.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to have a difficult relationship with my mother-in-law?
Yes, it’s very common. Many families experience some tension between in-laws, especially early on, and it doesn’t mean something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Small, practical changes — like the ones above — often ease things over time.
How can I set boundaries with my mother-in-law without causing a bigger conflict?
Try to be clear, calm and specific about what you need, and where possible let your partner take the lead on raising sensitive points with their own family member. Boundaries set with kindness, and consistently maintained, tend to cause far less friction than boundaries raised only after frustration has built up.
What if my partner doesn’t support me when in-law issues come up?
Have a calm, honest conversation outside the heat of the moment, focusing on how the situation makes you feel rather than criticising their family. Ask directly for the kind of support you need — sometimes partners simply don’t realise how much an issue is affecting you until it’s spelled out.
Should I involve my children in tension with their grandparents or other in-laws?
Try to shield children from adult tension as much as possible. Where relationships are otherwise safe and caring, it’s usually worth protecting your children’s own relationship with their grandparents, even if your own relationship with your in-laws is strained.
Related Reading
If this topic struck a chord, you might also find these helpful:
- 7 Practical Tips for Dealing with Stress Caused By In-Laws
- Managing Family Tension Over the Holidays
- How to Talk to Your Partner About Family Stress
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Family relationships take ongoing work, and it can help to come back to tips like these when tension flares up again. Bookmark this article or share it with a friend who might need it too.
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