Are you and your partner, or your ex, at loggerheads over the best way to parent? Do you have different ideas on how to bring up your children? You’re not alone — differing parenting styles are one of the most common sources of tension between couples, whatever your family set-up. Parenting expert Dr John Sharry of Solution Talk shares some valuable co-parenting tips to help you find common ground.
Don’t miss our best content straight to your inbox! Sign up now and get our FREE newsletters packed with fun ideas and things to do with the kids, family-friendly recipes, expert advice, parenting tips and great competitions.
“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” – Henry Ford
One of the biggest challenges of parenting alongside a partner is that you will, on many occasions, have different ideas on how to bring up your children.
Each parent comes with a different personality, a different family background, and different ideas on what matters most when it comes to raising children — and this can lead to regular conflict in the parenting stakes.
In fact, one of the most common arguments between couples is about parenting styles and how to bring up their children. This holds true whether parents are married or cohabiting, and whether they are living together or apart, as in the case of separation or divorce.
You May Also Enjoy 15 Positive Parenting Techniques Every Parent Should Know
The Best Ways to Co-Parent
Support Each Other’s Own Way of Parenting
We often hear how important it is for parents to work as a team or present a united front to their children. Parents are often advised that they should “sing off the same hymn sheet” so they can act in unison and use the same approach.
While at face value this is good advice, what matters far more is that parents support each other’s different or unique way of parenting, rather than necessarily parenting exactly the same way.
Children can tolerate a great deal of difference in parenting styles, and even different discipline approaches between their parents, without it being detrimental to them. In fact, these differences can be rich and rewarding for children, as they experience two different parenting approaches and learn from two different adult role models about how to behave.
You May Also Enjoy How to Discipline Your Child – 4 Tips For the Proactive Parent
Avoid Conflict and Undermining
What is very damaging and upsetting to children is witnessing their parents in constant conflict or repeatedly undermining each other.
High levels of negative parental conflict are associated with poorer outcomes for children, whether the parents live together or not. Parents who cooperate with each other and learn to support one another, rather than undermine one another, help their children feel secure and content within the family.
You May Also Enjoy 12 Parenting Tips that Have Stood the Test of Time
Learn to Support Each Other
Learning to support one another is especially important when you have different views on the best way to parent. This may mean supporting your partner’s discipline strategy in front of the children, even when you don’t fully agree with it.
For example, if you come home and discover your partner has imposed a rule you think is too strict, rather than jumping in to criticise, it can help to take a step back and try to understand what happened first.
The real test of this support is how you talk about your partner to your children. If your child complains about how “mean” the other parent is being about a certain rule, rather than joining in on the complaint and undermining your partner’s decision, it’s important to show respect — something like, “I know you’re upset, but we have to keep that rule for now.”
The key is to display respect towards your partner in front of your child: “Maybe your Mum was upset when she said it — let’s all talk about it later.”
This display of respect and support is what benefits your children most. They see that even when their parents disagree, they don’t bad-mouth each other and always show respect towards one another. This not only models good communication, it gives children a deep sense of security that their parents will always work together on their behalf.
Encourage Your Partner’s Relationship With Your Children on Their Terms
Effective co-parenting also means encouraging your partner’s relationship with your children on their own terms, and accepting that it might look different from how you relate to them.
For example, you might worry about the horseplay your partner gets up to with your child, concerned about the danger or the mess. But if you take a step back, you might see that this physical play is an important way for the two of them to connect — so you can choose to support it happening.
Learning to parent together is a big challenge, but it’s crucial to your children’s wellbeing and sense of security. While some agreement on basic rules may be necessary, the key to successful co-parenting is supporting your partner rather than insisting on exactly the same approach.
To return to the original metaphor — sometimes it’s okay to sing different songs, once they’re in harmony.
3 Key Co-Parenting Tips
In summary, the most important points can be boiled down to the following:
- Support your partner’s relationship with the children on their terms – Both of you should have your own unique connection with each of your children. Such differences bring great richness to children’s lives.
- Support your partner’s authority when it comes to discipline – Within reason, expect your children to respect your partner’s decisions and rules when they’re in charge, even when you don’t totally agree. Where necessary, talk through rules in advance to reach some common agreement, and always discuss parenting conflicts together, away from the children.
- Model a respectful relationship with your partner – Show your children how you communicate respectfully with each other. The real test of this respect is how you talk about your partner when they’re not there — especially when you or your child is annoyed with them. Displaying respect towards your partner, even in frustrating moments, gives your children a great role model to learn from.
You May Also Enjoy We Watched 9 Ted Talks on Parenting And Here’s What We Thought
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my partner and I have completely different parenting styles?
That’s normal, and it isn’t necessarily a problem. Children can cope well with different approaches from each parent, as long as both parents support each other and don’t undermine one another in front of the children. Differences can even be a positive thing, giving children two different role models to learn from.
How do I stop conflict from affecting my children?
Try to keep disagreements about parenting decisions away from your children, and talk them through privately with your partner. When children do witness a disagreement, what matters most is seeing their parents resolve it respectfully rather than staying in ongoing conflict.
What if I don’t agree with a rule my partner has set?
Where possible, support the rule in front of your children, even if you plan to discuss it with your partner privately afterwards. Undermining a rule in the moment can confuse children and weaken both parents’ authority.
Does this apply to separated or divorced parents too?
Yes. These co-parenting principles apply whether parents are together, separated, or divorced. Children benefit from seeing their parents cooperate and show mutual respect, regardless of the relationship between the parents themselves.
Related Articles
If you found these co-parenting tips useful, you might also like:
- 15 Positive Parenting Techniques Every Parent Should Know
- How to Discipline Your Child – 4 Tips For the Proactive Parent
- 12 Parenting Tips that Have Stood the Test of Time
- We Watched 9 TED Talks on Parenting and Here’s What We Thought
Save These Tips for Later
Want to come back to these co-parenting tips when you need them? Bookmark this page or share it with your partner, and browse our other family life articles for more expert-backed parenting advice.
Dr. John Sharry is a social worker, child and family psychotherapist and a leading innovator in solution-focused practice, with decades of experience working with individuals, families and organisations. He is an adjunct professor at the School of Psychology in University College Dublin. He is a regular contributor to national media and the author of 13 books, including 10 popular self-help books for parents, such as Positive Parenting and Bringing Up Happy, Confident Children.
This article was originally published in The Irish Times, where John writes a weekly column on health and family topics.
Don’t miss our best content straight to your inbox! Sign up now for weekly parenting tips, family ideas and expert advice, delivered free to your inbox.
