Finding it hard to get along with your in-laws, or do you dread every family occasion that brings you all together? It’s time to start dealing with these worries. Here are 7 practical tips on how to handle stress caused by in-laws.
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I have to confess I have no in-laws of my own. I never met my father-in-law, as he had passed away long before we married, and my mother-in-law was elderly and lived thousands of miles away during our early marriage — she passed away at a good old age without causing me any stress whatsoever. My only direct experience of in-law dynamics is watching how my husband gets on with my own parents, his in-laws — though I’ll admit I’m biased, since I think they’re faultless!
In-law stress is a very real issue for many families, though, and we see it come up again and again. The issues are many and varied — from in-laws who are too involved, critical or judgemental, to those who offer little help or support at all.
In-laws can be a real drain on your emotional and physical energy, especially if they themselves are emotionally needy or dealing with health issues. And these dynamics don’t stop at parents — they can just as easily involve brothers- and sisters-in-law too.
#1. Be Less Sensitive
A lot of the problems arise when we have different expectations of each other and we’re a little too sensitive to comments or behaviour that isn’t really meant as an attack.
That may be easy enough to say, but if you feel secure in your own relationship and have some solid self-esteem and resilience, the chances are you’ll be able to handle a bit of in-law stress as part and parcel of life.
#2. Ask Yourself Tough Questions
If your mother-in-law’s criticism is really getting you down, or the snide remarks of a brother-in-law or his wife bring you to tears, it might be worth asking yourself a few honest questions:
- Why does their opinion matter so much to me?
- Do they actually have a point?
- Am I, by any chance, over-reacting?
No one enjoys asking — or answering — these questions, but they can really help you reframe the problem and see it in terms of how you choose to deal with it.
It’s unlikely you’ll be able to change them, but you can change how you react to them.
#3. Practical Solutions
There are practical solutions too. I’m a great believer in “attack is the best form of defence.”
Visit: If your parents-in-law are always complaining that you never visit, take the initiative and arrange, say, two visits over the next three months. You don’t have to make every visit yourself — send your partner with the kids sometimes.
- Stay in Touch: Find other ways to stay in touch — send a card, make a quick call, or even a text to check in. It takes no effort at all and is often genuinely appreciated.
- Remember Important Dates: Remembering birthdays and other important family dates is an easy way to show you care without over-committing yourself.
- Meet at a Neutral Venue: Sometimes it’s good to meet on neutral territory if you can. Everyone tends to be a bit more relaxed, no one person is “in charge” of the house or situation, and it also gives you the option of a quick escape if you need one.
#4. Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Take the time to put yourself in their shoes, and consider whether what feels like criticism is really coming from a negative place — or whether they simply have a very different perspective from you.
My own kids don’t always love visiting an elderly aunt, but we tell them the world is full of people you might not naturally click with, so this is great practice. We also remind them that they owe it to their family to treat the older generation with some respect, even when the visits aren’t exactly “fun.”
#5. Have a United Front
Having a united front with your partner helps enormously — but it does require compromise on both sides. Remember, your partner may be close to their own parents or siblings and genuinely not understand what the fuss is about.
Unless you live very close to your in-laws, these interactions are unlikely to happen more than once a week, so try to keep things in perspective.
#6. What Is Best for Your Children
We hear from a lot of grandparents who struggle to stay connected with their grandchildren after a divorce or separation.
Grandparents can be a great source of extra love and security for you and your children, so try to do your best to let them meet up, even if you dread the handover or pick-up time itself.
#7. Let Go of Stress
Finally, as we say when helping people work through any difficult issue: how much a problem affects you often comes down to how you view it, and how much control you allow it to have over your feelings.
There are, of course, truly difficult in-laws out there — but most are just ordinary people with their own hang-ups and viewpoints. Unless something genuinely harmful is going on, try hard to let this stress go.
Go on — try it, and see how it feels.
Over to you! Share your own practical tips on coping with in-law stress in the comments below.
Looking for more family life support?
If in-law stress is just one of the things weighing on you right now, take a look through our family life section for more real-world tips on relationships, routines and keeping the peace at home. Bookmark this article to come back to next time a family occasion is on the horizon.
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