My beautiful eldest child, Amelia, turned six the other day. Thinking back over the adventure we’ve been on since she arrived, I decided to write down the things I wish I had known before I started this whole “Mammy” journey. If you’re in the thick of early parenthood right now, I hope some of this makes you smile — and maybe feel a little less alone.
Advice
Everyone will offer it, whether you asked for it or not. Your parents, your in-laws, the neighbours, friends, the person at the supermarket checkout, complete strangers when you’re out and about, every parenting book you own — and, my personal favourite, people who don’t have children themselves. Mostly, you can let it go. Trust your own instinct, and lean on the one or two people whose advice you actually asked for and actually trust.
Products
I would have been better off having a bonfire in the garden and burning cash than buying half the things I bought — nappy bins, wipe warmers, soother holders, two pairs of shoes at once (little feet grow overnight, I swear), singing potties, any toy that needs six batteries to work. Save yourself the money and the clutter.
Instinct
Trust your own — always. It’s a powerful thing, and a mother’s instinct especially so. It only let me down once. I looked down at my gorgeous three-month-old and saw a large brown lump on her cheek — cue absolute panic about the tumour that had apparently appeared overnight. It was chocolate. I’d dropped it on her while she slept on my lap and I was busy eating the rest. Thankfully we figured that one out before ringing a doctor. It took me years to properly trust my instincts, but they’ve served me well — all three of mine are thriving.
Sleep Deprivation
Remind yourself it’s temporary. For some it lasts weeks, for others it drags on for years, but in the middle of the night, when you’d hand over your bank balance for a few hours’ sleep, just keep repeating: “It’s temporary, it’s temporary, it’s temporary…”
Olympic Parents
They are everywhere. You know the type: “Oh, is she not counting to 100 in four languages yet? Mine could do that by two.” Or, “Is he STILL in nappies?” Or, “We don’t let our children watch TV.” These Olympic parents are unavoidable. You can ignore them, or play them at their own game and exaggerate your own child’s abilities right back. Whatever works for you — just don’t let them get under your skin. They’re a special kind of exhausting.
Precious First Born Syndrome
We all catch this one. No baby has ever been as beautiful, clever or amazing as your first. It’s true, and the important thing to know is that every parent thinks exactly the same about their own — so it’s perfectly safe to bring your Precious First Born out in public. Nobody’s trying to steal them, however amazing you’re convinced they are.
It’s also not necessary to leave four pages of instructions when your mother, father or in-laws are minding them for a couple of hours. They raised their own children — and they will absolutely remind you of that. I suspect I’ll carry a touch of Precious First Born Syndrome forever. The trick is just noticing it, and reining it in a little around other people.
Choose Your Battles
Toilet train when your child is ready, not when you are. Skipping a nutritious dinner a few nights a week won’t do any lasting damage. Soothers are a genuine lifesaver for some children. A bottle of milk at bedtime for a three-year-old isn’t going to derail their future. Sometimes it’s absolutely fine to let your little girl out dressed as a ballerina, and boys who love having their nails painted aren’t strange in the slightest.
Siblings
There’s no point spending the last month of a second pregnancy worrying about how your first born will cope, or whether you could possibly love a second child as much. Your firstborn is getting a friend, and you will love every one of your children just as fiercely. I wasted so much time worrying about this the first time around — by the third pregnancy, I’d finally copped on and let myself sleep through the night instead.
Preschool and School
They won’t tell you what they did in school, or who they played with. It will drive you slowly mad, because obviously you want every single detail. Accept it — you’ll piece things together over time. Children can be unkind sometimes, and won’t always be nice to your child. You teach them how to stand up for themselves and not let unkind words land too hard, even when what you really want to do is march over and give the other child a piece of your mind. Your child won’t get invited to every party, and you have to let that be okay too, even when it stings.
When your first born brings home their first painting, or takes part in their first nativity play, it’s fine to cry a little. Just remember not everyone needs a blow-by-blow account afterwards — nobody else quite grasps how special it is. That’s just how it goes.
Try to Enjoy All of It
I tell myself this as often as I can, especially on the days when I’m too tired to speak or my patience is completely gone. Before we know it, they’ll be sleeping in till noon, communicating mostly in grunts and sighs, refusing to hold our hands crossing the road, and far too big to sit on our laps. One day they’ll think we’re embarrassing instead of superheroes — so it’s worth soaking up the small moments now.
“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” — Elizabeth Stone
Never a truer word was written.
Happy birthday to my Precious First Born — love you to the moon and back.
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