Working mother or stay-at-home mother — it’s a debate that never quite goes away, and it usually comes with a side of judgement neither side deserves. So what would working mums say to stay-at-home mums if they really sat down and talked it through? And what would stay-at-home mums say back?
Dr Carolyn Ee, a medical doctor, researcher and mum of two, wrote exactly that: a letter from a working mother to a stay-at-home mother, and one back the other way. It’s honest, funny in places, and genuinely moving — a reminder that every mother, whatever her day looks like, is doing something hard and something valuable.
Dear Stay-At-Home Mum
Some people have been questioning what you do at home all day. I know what you do. I know because I’m a mum and for a while I did it too.
I know you do unpaid work, often thankless work, which starts the moment you wake up, and doesn’t even end when you go to sleep. I know you work weekends and nights, with no discernible end to your day or working week. I know the rewards are joyous but few.
I know that you seldom have a hot cup of coffee or tea. I know that your attention is always divided, often diverted from a moment to moment basis, and you cannot ever count on completing a task in the one go. I know that you probably don’t get any down time when you’re on your own at home, unless you have a single child who still naps in the daytime.
I know the challenges you deal with daily, usually with no peer support or backup. The toddler tantrums, the toilet training accidents, the food battles, the food on the floor, the crayons on the wall, the sibling rivalry, the baby that never seems to stop crying. I know how the work seems incessant, like an endless cycle — you shop for food, prepare it, cook it, attempt to feed it to your children, clean it off the floor, wash the dishes, and repeat in three hours.
I know you fantasise about having an hour to yourself to eat your lunch in peace, or about having an afternoon nap. I know you sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it, and feel envious of your friends who are having coffee breaks at work. I know that sometimes when your partner gets home in the evening after his work is done, he wants to put his feet up exactly when you need a break the most, and this can bring you to tears.
I know that you are misunderstood by so many who do not appreciate the difficulties of caring for small children on your own, all day, and refer to you as joining the “latte set.” They imagine you spend your day sipping coffee while your children play quietly. I know you miss your financial independence. I know you feel amused and sometimes annoyed when others proclaim “TGIF!” because to you every day is the same — there is no Friday, no break from your job. I know that many people do not understand that you work — you simply work an unpaid job at home.
SAHM, I don’t know how you do it. I admire your infinite patience, your ability to face each day cheerfully and bring joy into your children’s lives even when they wear you down. I admire your dedication to being a constant presence in your children’s lives even if it isn’t always easy. I admire the way you work without expecting any reward — no promotions, no fame, no salary. I know you want your children to feel important and loved, and SAHM, you do this the best.
I just wanted you to know that I understand. We’re both mothers. And I know.
Love from the trenches,
Working Mum
Dear Working Mum
I know you sometimes get judged by others for leaving your children in the care of others to work. Some people imply that you don’t love your children as much as us SAHMs do, and that it’s best for children to be at home with their mothers.
How can they say this about you? I know you love your children just as much as any other mother. I know that going back to work was no easy decision. You weighed up the pros and cons long before you conceived a baby. It has always been one of the most important decisions of your life.
I see you everywhere. You are the doctor I take my children to when they are sick. You’re my child’s allergist, the one who diagnosed her peanut allergy. You’re the physiotherapist who treated my husband’s back. You’re the accountant who does our tax returns. My son’s primary school teacher. The director of our childcare centre. My daughter’s gymnastics teacher. The estate agent who sold our house. What sort of world would it be if you hadn’t been there for us? If you had succumbed to the pressures of those who insisted a mother’s place had to be in the home?
I know you weigh up every job to see if it will suit your family. I know you wake up an hour before everyone else does, just so you can get some exercise done or some quiet time. I know that you have attended meetings after being up all night with your toddler. I know that when you come home in the evening, your “second shift” begins. The nay-sayers don’t understand that you run a household AND hold a job. You come home, cook dinner, bath your children and read them stories. You tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. You pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishes, just like every other mother does.
I know that you often feel guilty about having any more time away from your children, so you sacrifice your leisure time. I know you can’t bring yourself to take a “day off” for yourself when your children are at daycare. I know you accept that work is your “time off” for now. I know that when you are at work you don’t waste a single minute. I know you eat your lunch at your desk, you don’t go out for coffee, and you show complete dedication and concentration to your job. You chose to be there after all. You want to be there.
I know how discerning you are about who is looking after your children, and that many childcare providers offer excellent care. I know you only leave your children in a place where you are confident they are loved and well looked after. I know that you spend many days caring for your children at home when they are sick, and sacrifice your pay. I know that you secretly enjoy these days, and revel in being able to be with your children.
I know that sometimes you feel guilty about not being there all the time. But WM, I know this: you are setting a wonderful example to your children. You are showing them that a woman can have a career, contribute in some way outside the home, and still be a loving mother. You are showing your daughters that they can do anything they want to do in life. You are displaying strength, endurance, dedication and tenacity, and you do it with so much joy and love.
I just wanted you to know I understand. Because we’re both mothers.
Love from the trenches,
Stay-At-Home Mum
This post is by Dr Carolyn Ee, a medical doctor and researcher who blogs about health and her own journey to find a workable balance between work and family life. She has two young children and a supportive husband, and returned to full-time work and study in 2014. In her spare time she enjoys running — and the occasional cupcake.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is one type of mother “better” than the other?
No. Both roles involve constant work, tough decisions and real sacrifice. The difference is in the shape of the day, not in how much a mother loves or cares for her children.
Why do working mums and stay-at-home mums sometimes feel judged by each other?
Judgement usually comes from not seeing the full picture of someone else’s day. Working mums don’t see the relentless, unpaid workload of a day at home; stay-at-home mums don’t always see the guilt, the “second shift,” or the pressure of juggling a job and a family. Understanding both sides, as this letter shows, helps put the judgement to rest.
Can this letter be shared with other mums?
Yes — it was written to be shared. If it resonates with you, pass it on to a friend who might need to hear it, whichever side of the debate she’s on.
Related Articles
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- The Truth About Mum Guilt (And Why You Should Let It Go)
- Finding Your Own Version of Work-Life Balance
- Letters to Our Children: What We Wish They Knew
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