When my children were born, I experienced two powerful but conflicting emotions – love and fear. Instinctively and immediately, I knew I loved these two tiny humans, but this love appeared not just for now – it was also forever.
The Weight of Loving Someone Completely
How was this possible? I thought. My mind tried to find a circumstance where I would not love them, or love them less – but it could not. It seemed I had already surrendered to this emotion even before I had experienced it. My love for them felt timeless and unconditional.
The responsibility began to dawn on me. I was a flawed human and the world could be cruel. Would my best be good enough? I would surely let them down. I would make mistakes. They would make mistakes. How could I continue to love them like this? It felt impossible, and yet my heart was so certain.
The Day They First Called Me “Daddy”
The first time my son or daughter called me “daddy”, it took my breath away. It was so natural to them, but it also represented my greatest privilege and greatest challenge. “Do I deserve this?” I asked myself. I was conflicted again.
Every day since, and often in new and unexpected ways, my children continue to take my breath away. They do this just by being children. It is ordinary, but it is extraordinary.
What My Children Have Taught Me
They remind me of my own childhood – the joy of play, the thrill of discovering something new, the love I have for my own parents. Yes, I’ve learned to change a nappy or two and put them to bed, but it seems to me that they have more to teach me than I do them. In essence, they’ve put the wonder back into my world.
I recently told my mother “I love you”. I hadn’t said it in a long time. Now, my sense of “what’s important” has changed, and my heart goes out more often than it used to.
Becoming the Dad I Never Expected to Be
The last few years have been challenging for me. At one level, my children arrived at the worst possible time, and becoming their “daddy” initially seemed like the biggest challenge on top of many others. But now I see that my world and my children conspired, and my life gave me the opportunity to be more, with them. Maybe I had more to learn than most – but together, they took a fearful man and helped him realise he already had everything. I am no longer conflicted.
James and Maggie, thank you for all that you have taught me so far, and I can’t wait for what else you might have in store. You are precious, and through you, my hours, minutes, seconds and life have become precious too.
I don’t know what the future holds. I will make mistakes. You will make mistakes. There will be good times and there will be bad times. I promise I will do my best to become the dad you deserve – but I can only offer you one certainty. I will love you, always and unconditionally.
Related Reading
If this reflection struck a chord, you might also enjoy “Daddy, Take My Hand in Yours” – a heartfelt poem for Father’s Day about the bond between a father and his child.
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