Did you read the book or see the film Room? The child hero, Jack, has been raised in a single room, where he and his mother are held captive. For much of the story, Jack believes that this one room is the whole world — he believes those confines are what life is.
What if there are constructs imprisoning our parenting mindset too — keeping us trapped in yelling, nagging, grumbling, over-functioning or other unhelpful habits? As a society, we’ve been sold the idea that our role is to make our children comply. I suspect this is the biggest lie that deceives parents.
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We’ve believed the lie that being a responsible parent means monitoring, policing and judging every minute of our child’s life to make sure they never do anything “wrong” — that we must teach them how to be good. To a large extent, our education system has fallen into the same trap. We train children to measure themselves by other people’s judgement.
- But what if children are born inherently good?
- What if they have an internal compass that guides them toward compassionate responses?
- What if they are capable learners?
- What if they naturally want to be responsible and cooperative?
This isn’t about “hands-free” parenting. Every family and every society needs limits and codes of conduct to keep everyone safe and well.
- But what if we saw ourselves as guides, accompanying our children on their journey through life?
- What if we broke free from the lie that our job is to make our children comply?
- What if we let go of the belief that a parent has to be police officer, judge, teacher, maid, cook, nurse, entertainer, moral guide, security officer and referee, all rolled into one?
As a society, I think we’re exhausted from over-parenting — carrying responsibilities that aren’t healthy for us, and aren’t helpful for our children’s development either.
When we over-parent, our children have to constantly look to us to tell them what to do, say, think and feel. The trouble is, when they reach their teens, they naturally start pulling away from close parental monitoring and look to their peers for direction instead. If a child has always relied on a parent to tell them what to do in every situation, they’ll simply transfer that reliance — to their peers.
If children haven’t learned to follow their own inner compass, they’re at risk of not trusting their own judgement. They can be more easily talked into other people’s agendas: “Have sex with me. Try some of this. Everyone’s doing it.” We need to raise children who think for themselves and trust their own instincts. We need to raise competent children — not merely compliant ones.
- Do you want your child to learn to make their own wise choices in life?
- Do you want them to understand the consequences of their own behaviour?
- Do you want to support your child on their own unique journey?
When we let go of the mindset that we must raise “compliant” children, we also let go of the constant anxiety of trying to raise “good” children. Instead, we trust them to be who they naturally are — competent, caring, compassionate human beings. We raise them to trust themselves, rather than constantly checking with us, or anyone else: “Am I being good? Am I doing this right?”
When your focus shifts to raising a competent child, they gain a quiet inner confidence: “I am my own person. I can trust my own judgement.”
If you’re looking for practical ways to build this in your own family, see our related article, “7 Useful Tips On How to Build Self-Esteem In Your Child.”
Raising a competent child is a journey. Yes, there will be times they learn through failure and mistakes — that’s how we all learn. Our job is to stay alongside them as they navigate their own path.
So what does “parenting for competency” actually look like day to day? Here’s a simple example: your young child climbs a ladder and stands proudly on the platform at the top.
If you exclaim, “Good boy!”, the moment becomes about your judgement of his action. If this becomes a lifelong pattern of praise, you’re teaching your child to look outward for approval rather than notice his own experience.
A more helpful response is to simply describe what you see: “You climbed the ladder!”
Or perhaps you notice him raising his hands, fists clenched, above his head — he’s proud of what he’s done. Mirror it back. Raise your own hands, make warm eye contact, and let your face say what your words might not need to: “I see you. I see you’re happy. You climbed up there!”
Even without words, your child “feels felt.” You’re right there with them in their moment of achievement — supporting them to be their own person, rather than judging from the outside with a simple “Good boy!”
The key question for us as parents is this:
“Am I raising my children to comply — or to be competent?”
It’s easy to fall into a worldview where we believe our children should simply do what we think they should do. That’s when nagging, grumbling and yelling creep in, because we’re trying to impose our own agenda rather than walking alongside our child and supporting their natural competence — physically, cognitively, emotionally and socially.
Perhaps you’re reading this thinking, “It’s time to parent differently. But how?”
A few resources worth exploring: Roots of Empathy by Mary Gordon, Your Competent Child by Jesper Juul, and my own book, BEHAVE — What To Do When Your Child Won’t, available on Kindle and in paperback. You might also enjoy watching my YouTube chat on this same subject.
Do we want to break free from the biggest lie that deceives parents — the idea that it’s our duty to make our children comply? Imagine the difference it could make to our relationship with our children when we choose, instead, to raise competent children. When we change our mindset, everything changes — just as Jack’s whole world changed once he realised Room was a lie. Once he understood things could be different, he took action. It wasn’t easy. It took courage. But he transformed his experience of life.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the biggest lie that deceives parents?
It’s the belief that our main job as parents is to make our children comply — to control, monitor and judge their every move so they behave “correctly.” This mindset can lead to constant nagging, yelling and exhaustion, and it teaches children to look outward for approval rather than trust their own judgement.
What’s the difference between raising a “compliant” child and a “competent” child?
A compliant child learns to do what they’re told because someone else is watching and judging. A competent child develops their own inner compass — the confidence to make good choices because they trust themselves, not because someone is checking up on them.
Does raising a competent child mean having no rules or limits?
No. Every family needs boundaries and codes of conduct to keep everyone safe. The shift isn’t about dropping limits — it’s about moving from a “police officer” style of parenting to a “guide” who walks alongside a child as they learn.
Why does this matter more as children become teenagers?
Teenagers naturally start looking to their peers rather than their parents for cues on how to behave. If a child has only ever learned to follow a parent’s instructions rather than their own judgement, they’re more likely to simply transfer that reliance onto peer pressure instead.
Related Articles
- 7 Useful Tips On How to Build Self-Esteem In Your Child
- How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
- Positive Parenting: Everyday Habits That Make a Difference
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