Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things a family can go through — and when a child is grieving too, it can be hard to know how best to help them. Parenting expert Sheila O’Malley from Practical Parenting shares her guidance on understanding a child’s grief and supporting them through it.
Be Gentle
A death has occurred, and you have a choice. You can face the grief and begin a journey where you integrate the loss into your lives, or you can avoid the pain and bury it deep within. As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from painful things, yet it’s often better to face the grief together, as a family. Be gentle with yourself and your child as you do this.
Grieving a Parent
For a young person, the loss of a parent is devastating — and often, the surviving parent is dealing with their own grief at the same time, which can mean the child feels they’ve lost something from both parents emotionally. It’s critical that your son or daughter feels your love and presence during this period, and one of the best ways to make sure of that is by getting support for yourself as well.
Support Is Important
There are specialist bereavement support services available for both you and your child — your GP can point you toward local options. Family and friends are important too, and leaning on them is not a sign of failing to cope; it’s part of coping well.
Your Child May Show a Variety of Responses
A grieving child can show a wide range of responses over the grieving period, which can last at least a year, sometimes two.
1. Physical Symptoms
If a young person senses it isn’t okay to talk about the death, where do they put their feelings, and who do they turn to? Without an outlet, those fears can be expressed through the body instead — showing up as increased illness or physical complaints. These symptoms can also be a child’s way of seeking attention and reassurance.
2. Emotional Responses
Emotionally, a child may show sadness, fear, anxiety, guilt and denial. These are all a normal part of grieving and need to be met with gentleness, understanding and reassurance. Unconditional love is the best response to these feelings.
3. Anger
Bereaved children and teenagers often feel angry — try to understand and accept this anger for what it is. It may be directed at the parent who died, for “leaving” them when they needed them. That anger can be intensified if the child perceives the parent as having had a choice in their death.
Sometimes the anger turns inward, and a child blames themselves for what happened. Gently explore your child’s feelings and reassure them that they are not responsible for the death.
4. Communication
A grieving child’s thoughts can become tangled — low self-esteem, confusion, trouble concentrating, and disbelief are all common. Open communication and love are crucial here, reassuring the young person that what they’re feeling is normal and that you’re there whenever they need to talk.
5. Behaviour Changes
You may notice a range of changes: sleeplessness, loss of appetite, slipping grades, crying, nightmares, fighting, or becoming unusually clingy. Bereaved children need patience, nurturing and to feel genuinely listened to.
“A young person is old enough to grieve, if they are old enough to love.”
A child doesn’t yet have the life experience to make sense of loss on their own. Let them know they’ll feel many different emotions, and that all of them are normal. Sharing how you feel, in an age-appropriate way, gives your child permission to express their own feelings too.
You are the person steering your child through their grief, even while you’re moving through your own. Accept whatever help and support is available to you at this time — you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Tips for Dealing with Grief
- Honesty and open communication are crucial.
- Don’t cover up what’s happened — answer questions truthfully, in words your child can understand.
- Answer only what is actually being asked; there’s no need to offer more than a child is ready for.
- Encourage your child to express their feelings — this reduces the risk of miscommunication or misunderstanding.
- If your child doesn’t want to talk, let them know that’s okay, but that you’re there whenever they’re ready.
- Attending the funeral can provide a sense of closure and finality that helps with processing the loss.
- Try to keep to normal routines as much as possible — this restores a sense of order and security. Avoid piling on extra changes where you can.
- Above all, respond with love throughout the grieving period, so your child knows you are there for them — and let yourself accept support too, so you’re able to keep showing up for them.
Sheila O’Malley is one of Ireland’s leading parenting experts and founder of Practical Parenting, offering support and training to parents. She facilitates corporate programmes and delivers talks on personal and family wellbeing.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does grief last for a child?
There’s no fixed timeline — grieving children commonly move through the process over at least a year, sometimes two, and feelings can resurface at anniversaries, birthdays or other milestones long after that.
Should children attend the funeral?
Many bereavement experts find that attending the funeral can help give a child a sense of closure and finality, which supports the grieving process. Every child and family is different, so use your judgement about what feels right for your child’s age and personality.
What are the signs a child is grieving?
Children may show physical symptoms like increased illness, emotional responses such as sadness, fear, guilt or denial, anger, communication difficulties, and behaviour changes like sleeplessness, appetite changes, crying, nightmares or clinginess.
Should I talk to my child about the death, or protect them from it?
Facing the grief together, with honest, age-appropriate communication, tends to help more than trying to shield a child from the reality of what’s happened. Answer their questions truthfully, but only answer what they’re actually asking.
Where can I get support for myself and my child?
Your GP can direct you to specialist bereavement support services in your area. Don’t underestimate the value of leaning on family and friends too — getting support for yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your grieving child.
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Every family’s journey through grief looks different. Browse more of our family life articles for further guidance and support, and save this one so it’s easy to find again when you need it.
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