Child and adolescent psychotherapist Colman Noctor wants parents to do away with the long list of expectations we place on ourselves and get back to the essentials of parenting.
Any parent will know there’s a whole industry of advice out there on how to raise the “perfect” child. It sounds simple enough: just make sure their social, emotional, psychological and nutritional needs are met.
In a screen-free, processed-food-free, negative-energy-free environment. Firm but enabling, affirming but not overly permissive, careful never to helicopter or snowplough. All while staying calm, present and endlessly patient. Easy, isn’t it?
The List of Expectations Is Huge Nowadays
This list of “expectations” is both impossible and undesirable — yet many of us are convinced we need to do all of it, and do it correctly. The parenting task for pretty much every generation before this one was closer to “keep them safe and feed them sometimes.”
This pressure to provide everything creates guilt in parents who simply can’t do it all: working parents, financially stretched parents, and parents who have interests outside their children, all left feeling like they’re getting it wrong.
The reality is there is no single “right” way to parent. Anyone selling a one-size-fits-all regime is either not being fully honest, or isn’t well informed.
How to Find the Best Approach
Having worked with children and families for 20 years, I can say with confidence that no two children are the same — so there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting them.
Your child’s temperament will shape how they need to be parented, far more than any book or trend that happens to be popular at the time. You can’t parent a fiery child and a meek child in exactly the same way.
We can’t make sensitive children hard and robust, and it would be a mistake to try. We have to work with the child in front of us — with their particular strengths and challenges — if we want to be effective.
Traditional Approaches Do Work
Many of the parenting styles I’ve seen work well over the years are the traditional ones: approaches that let children feel safe, where parents stay approachable and appropriately involved, and where dependency is stepped back at the right pace.
Giving a child the right amount of structure for them, listening to their worries and validating those feelings — none of this is glamorous, novel or radical. It’s solid, containing and reliable, and that’s exactly why it works.
Learn to Fail Better
Parenting is essentially an exercise in getting it wrong, and learning to fail a little better each time. If you’re trying to learn and grow as a parent, and you’re good enough at tuning in to your child’s needs, then you are doing all you can.
So let go of the guilt that comes from impossible expectations. Go back to the basics of building your relationship with your child, and keep being the safe, reliable, available parent they need. You really can’t go too far wrong.
Colman Noctor is a Child and Adolescent Psychoanalytical Psychotherapist. He has worked across a range of child and adolescent mental health services, both in Ireland and abroad, and has a wealth of national and international clinical experience.
Have you managed to let go of parental guilt? What’s worked for you? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is parental guilt, and why do so many parents feel it?
Parental guilt is the nagging sense that you’re not doing enough — or not doing it “right” — as a parent. It’s often fuelled by the sheer volume of parenting advice and expectations out there today, which can make ordinary, good-enough parenting feel like it’s falling short.
Is there one “right” way to parent?
No. Every child has a different temperament, and what works brilliantly for one child may not suit another at all. Effective parenting responds to the child in front of you, rather than following a single rulebook.
How can I start letting go of parental guilt?
Focus on the basics: keeping your child safe, staying approachable, listening to their worries, and giving them the structure that suits their personality. These simple, consistent habits matter far more than ticking off a long list of modern parenting “musts.”
Do traditional parenting approaches still work today?
Yes. Approaches that prioritise safety, warmth, appropriate structure and gradually stepping back dependency remain some of the most reliable ways to raise confident, secure children — even if they’re not the most fashionable or talked-about methods.
Related Articles
If this resonated with you, you might also enjoy our other pieces on family life and parenting mindset — including articles on understanding your child’s temperament, building your own confidence as a parent, and simple ways to bring more calm into busy family routines.
Save This for Later
Parenting guilt has a way of creeping back in on a hard day. Bookmark this article or save it to your favourites so you can come back to it whenever you need the reminder that good-enough really is good enough.
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