IVF, or In Vitro Fertilisation, can be a long, costly and emotionally difficult journey for a couple, and success is never guaranteed. Here, mother Bel Messer shares her own honest and moving account of what her IVF journey was really like.
Infertility is debilitating. It is all-consuming. It can be hard. In fact, it was quite possibly the most difficult time in my entire life to date. Trying to be joyful at baby showers, at your best friend’s baby’s birth, watching the woman in the checkout queue in front of you simply enjoying her child — all of these moments can be really hard.
Facts
- An astounding 1 in 5 women experience infertility.
- IVF costs a lot.
- The lucky ones who have the means to afford IVF often live with a constant internal dialogue of pros and cons, “what ifs” and “maybe just one more go.”
- IVF success rates are roughly 1 in 3, but this varies according to age and other factors.
- There’s no set age at which a woman trying to conceive should see a specialist. If you’ve been actively trying for 12 months or more, that may be the right time to seek advice.
- There is a blood test your specialist can run to check your remaining egg stores — a great first step. This test revealed to us the time frame we had for a possible natural pregnancy.
- IVF is most definitely not for the faint-hearted — a strong will and thick skin are an absolute requirement.
I already had two children with my husband and was only 30 when we became infertile. When the time came that we wanted another baby desperately, we saw a fantastic fertility doctor. He ran the blood test on me, and I was saddened and quite shocked by the news that at 30, I had the egg stores of a 45-year-old woman.
As most people know, women are born with all the eggs we will ever have — we don’t reproduce them — and we realised then just how lucky we were to have had our children at an early age.
My Rollercoaster Journey Starts
Our doctor started us with timed intercourse alongside egg stimulation. Then we moved to artificial insemination, again with egg stimulation. After further testing, we found that my eggs were unable to travel from my ovaries to my womb. This was the reason I couldn’t become pregnant on my own. I’d also had an ectopic pregnancy and had my right fallopian tube removed. My left tube was damaged beyond repair.
Support
My friends didn’t understand. They weren’t able to support me the way they wanted to — not because they didn’t try, but most probably because of the mental state I was in throughout the process. I wasn’t able to be the person I used to be. I was changed by it. I put a hold on contact with most of my friends, and I learned who I could and couldn’t talk to, based on how they reacted.
I didn’t want to hear things like “at least you have two children” or “can’t you be happy with the family you’ve got?”
The hormones sent me a little crazy and caused bloating. I was injecting and swallowing pills at all hours of the day.
My husband supported me tremendously. He hurt when I hurt. He was sad when I was sad. He built me up and was my rock. My girls too — at 9 and 4 — were getting used to a mother who wasn’t quite herself. A mother who was always in some kind of pain (the drugs did not agree with me at all). I remember sitting at swimming lessons watching my daughters’ class and feeling like I was poisoned. I lived with this month after month. Thank God, not year after year.
Success
It took four rounds, one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy to become pregnant with my son. I was lucky enough to harvest 21 eggs, with 17 becoming fertilised. We used a combination of IVF and ICSI (direct injection of sperm into the egg), and this pregnancy was the one we’d been waiting for.
Still, my husband couldn’t fully rejoice until we were safely through the pregnancy — he was the one who had to pick me up every time we lost the baby, or the embryos didn’t take.
We put two eggs back each time, on the basis that we would much rather have the joy of a twin pregnancy than put back just one and have it not take.
Luckily for us, my son as an embryo stuck, and he grew into the amazing little person he is today.
His father, his big sisters and I appreciate him every single day. My youngest still says to me, “I can’t believe he is here — I still can’t believe it.” It fills me with joy to see our family complete. Without him, it wouldn’t be.
This is the hard part of IVF: when do you stop? When the money runs out? When your will is spent?
Trust me when I say that going through IVF, it’s difficult to hear negativity from those around you — even from people who love you and only want the best for you.
Thank God I have my son, because I fear I would still be on that IVF rollercoaster now, trying for a third darling baby.
Bel Messer is a mother of three. She and her friend Rosie are authors of a book, “I am Extra Special: An IVF Story,” aimed at children aged 4 to 10. It’s a beautifully illustrated story book dedicated to all the “extra special” babies of IVF.
Frequently Asked Questions
How common is infertility?
Infertility affects a significant number of women — around 1 in 5, according to the figures shared in this story. It’s far more common than many people realise, even though it’s rarely talked about openly.
What is the success rate of IVF?
Success rates vary depending on age and individual circumstances, but roughly 1 in 3 IVF cycles are successful. Some couples conceive on their first round, while others, like Bel, need several rounds before it works.
When should I see a fertility specialist?
There’s no single “right” age. Generally, if you’ve been actively trying to conceive for 12 months or more without success, it may be time to speak to a specialist for advice and testing.
Is there a test to check egg reserves?
Yes — a blood test can be carried out to give an indication of your remaining egg stores. This can be a helpful first step in understanding your own fertility timeline and options.
Does IVF affect the whole family, not just the mother?
Very much so. As Bel’s story shows, partners and existing children are all affected by the physical and emotional toll of IVF. Support from a partner, and patience with older children adjusting to a parent who isn’t quite themselves, both matter enormously.
Related Reading
If this story resonated with you, you may also want to read “Ready and Waiting for Another Baby,” which explores the heartbreak of secondary infertility and the added complexity of wanting a sibling for the children you already have.
Save This Story
If Bel’s story struck a chord, you might like to save it to come back to, or share it with someone else who’s on their own fertility journey. Browse more real family stories and parenting experiences on MyKidsTime for more honest, relatable reads.
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Have you experienced IVF yourself? We’d love to hear your thoughts and your own story in the comments below.
