In our self-esteem series, parents have learned how to help their children develop competence and confidence, a stronger sense of connection to themselves and others, and how they can feel better about themselves and recognise their unique value. But did you know that you, as the parent, still have another significant part to play in building your child’s self-esteem? Here’s the one secret most parents don’t know about children’s self-esteem.
Sue was excited when she found the three-part series on self-esteem on the MyKidstime website by parenting author Val Mullally.
Suddenly it all made sense to her — improved self-esteem wasn’t like catching a cold, something you either had or didn’t have, with no idea where it came from. She could now see there are three distinct, and equally important, aspects of self-esteem. But even with an understanding of these three key elements, Sue still didn’t know how to move forward. What was the missing piece she needed to build her daughter’s self-esteem? Sue wrote to Val with her concern. Here’s what Val revealed:
“There’s a secret that hardly any parents realise exists,” Val explained.
Sue was keen to hear more.
“The secret lies in the fact that your child is deeply influenced by you, the parent. So a child’s self-esteem is deeply impacted by the parent’s self-esteem.”
“Does that mean the three keys you wrote about don’t work?” asked Sue.
“Oh, they work! If you want to unlock the door to your child’s success, those three keys are essential,” Val replied. “The only thing is, it all starts with you, the parent. As long as your child is living under your roof, your self-esteem is like a glass ceiling for your child. If you want your child to have higher self-esteem, the most important thing you can do is raise your own self-esteem.”
The good news is that every parent who has read this series now knows how to raise self-esteem. Using these keys to unlock self-esteem in our own lives doesn’t just free our children from disliking who they are — it can also turn our own lives in a far more positive direction.
So here’s the challenge for every parent: build your own self-esteem. Do it for your children’s sake as well as your own.
A few thoughts on each of the three key elements of a parent’s self-esteem:
#1. Your Sense of Competence as a Parent
Oprah once said we’re all doing the best we can right now, and that when we know better, we do better.
If you want to develop your confidence, develop your competence by learning something new — whether it’s a parenting course, a new art, a language, a sport, or a musical instrument.
Learn something new. Or learn to do something better. Not just anything — something that matters to you.
#2. Your Sense of Belonging
As parents, our sense of belonging to (and with) our own family is often strong — so strong that we sometimes forget our need to also connect with our own selves, our bodies, our feelings, our experiences and our dreams.
If you want to strengthen your sense of belonging, ask yourself what connection your heart is yearning for — whether that’s quality time with your partner, relaxed time with wider family and friends, quiet time with yourself, time in nature, or time with a favourite activity.
Nurture the connections that matter to you, especially your connection with yourself.
#3. Treat Yourself as Someone of Worth
Do you look in the mirror and like who you see? Do you talk to yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend?
Every time you catch yourself being unkind to yourself, stop — and rephrase it with the same care, understanding and encouragement you’d give a friend.
Your children learn from what you model. Show them, by your example, that every person is of worth. Do it for their sake, even if it feels strange at first. Be your own best friend.
Every parent who understands these three keys can unlock a happier, more fulfilling life for themselves and their family — one small, doable step at a time.
When you’ve had a chance to reflect on this, it’s worth revisiting the three posts on these key aspects of self-esteem — competence, connection and worth — and reflect on how they apply to you. Minding yourself well is probably the single most important thing you can do to mind your children well.
A Practical Parenting Course
Parenting expert and author Val Mullally, founder of Koemba Parenting, has created a practical online course exploring three key signposts to help you be the parent you’d love to be — including how to handle challenging behaviour, why punishment doesn’t work while discipline does, and practical tools for a calmer, happier home.
Frequently Asked Questions
What’s the “secret” this article is talking about?
It’s that a child’s self-esteem is deeply shaped by the parent’s own self-esteem. Building your child’s confidence, connection and sense of worth starts with building your own.
Can I really improve my own self-esteem as an adult?
Yes. Like any skill, self-esteem can be built gradually through small, consistent steps — learning something new, nurturing meaningful connections, and treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Do I need to work on all three areas — competence, connection and worth — at once?
No. Start with whichever feels most relevant to you right now. Progress in one area often has a knock-on effect on the others.
Will this really affect my child, or just me?
Both. Children absorb far more from what we model than from what we say, so working on your own self-esteem tends to benefit the whole family.
Related Articles
- 7 Useful Tips to Build Self-Esteem in Your Child
- 7 More Useful Tips on How to Build Self-Esteem in Your Child
- Why These 7 Good Tips Help Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem
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