Do you worry that your teenager might be using drugs? Not sure how to bring it up without a row breaking out? In this article, Dr. John Sharry, co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes, shares some useful tips for talking to your teenager about drugs — drawn from a real question a parent brought to him.
Talking to Your Teenager About Drugs
A Parent’s Question
I think my 17-year-old has started using cannabis and I am worried. Last week when I was cleaning his room, I found some of the paraphernalia for smoking cannabis. When I confronted him he went ballistic that I was “searching” his room and then denied he was smoking, before storming off. Since then, he hasn’t spoken to me. I don’t know what to believe. We have caught him using cannabis in the past, about a year ago, and he assured us it was a once-off.
More recently, I have been worried about him as he has been more secretive and hanging out with a group of friends I disapprove of (he said the gear belonged to them). He also has been demotivated in school and he is now in his Leaving Cert year, so he is showing all the worrying signs.
Dr. John Sharry’s Answer
Cannabis remains one of the most commonly used illegal drugs among young people in Ireland, so it’s understandable that you’re concerned. Long-term use is associated with demotivation and can affect mental health as well as physical health.
That said, it’s important to weigh up the situation with your son and consider how serious his drug use might actually be, so you can decide how best to help him. There’s a big difference between a young person experimenting with cannabis and someone who has developed a significant habit or become dependent.
#### Raising the Subject with Your Son About His Drug Use
Even though he isn’t talking to you at the moment, it’s important to try to raise the issue again. Pick your moment and approach the subject in a concerned, non-confrontational way — for example: “Listen, we need to talk about what I found in your room. As your parent, it’s my job to be concerned for you.” If he stays defensive, ask him what he would do if he were the parent and discovered evidence of drugs in his own son’s room.
Ideally, you want him to open up and talk about his drug use, but you may need to give him time to do this, and take care not to over-react or judge him — whatever he tells you. Even if he doesn’t admit anything or continues to insist he isn’t using, you can still talk in general terms about the dangers of drug use and how to stay safe.
#### Discuss the Dangers of Drug Use
The aim here is to get him thinking things through for himself rather than simply being told off. Ask him what he thinks the health implications are, and the problems that come with it being illegal. Express your concerns positively — for example, how you worry that using drugs could affect his health and schoolwork, and get in the way of his goals and dreams.
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#### Agree a Plan for Keeping Safe
Try to come up with a plan for keeping him safe from drugs. This might include avoiding certain peer groups or social situations where he could feel pressure to use, or encouraging him toward healthier pursuits and more positive friendships. It could also involve helping him become more assertive and able to say “no”, as well as considering counselling — either individually or as a family.
Ideally, he’ll agree to this plan and let you help him carry it out, but even if he doesn’t, there are still things you can do to help keep him safe. You can increase your awareness of his whereabouts, or make pocket money or other privileges dependent on him engaging more positively with school or other activities. If he resists, you can explain that these boundaries are temporary — until you’ve rebuilt some trust and feel more confident he’s back on track.
#### Keep Things Positive — Encourage Him in Other Areas of His Life
Independent of whatever drug use might be going on, keep encouraging him toward other healthy, positive parts of his life — school, sport, hobbies, voluntary work, or anything else that’s a good influence.
#### Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Whatever happens, work hard at keeping communication open between you. Don’t let this become the only thing you talk about, or let it drive a permanent wedge between you. Keep reaching out and connecting with him.
Take an interest in what he enjoys, and try to check in with him daily in a way that isn’t just about monitoring or discipline, but about building the relationship. In the long run, the quality of your relationship with him gives you the best chance of positively influencing his choices.
#### Seek Outside Help and Support
Finally, there are counselling and advice services that can help both you and your son. In Ireland, the HSE Drug and Alcohol Helpline (drugs.ie) is a good starting point. Even if your son doesn’t want to engage at first, you can still contact them yourself, as a concerned parent, for advice and support.
Dr. John Sharry is the author of several parenting and positive psychology books, including Positive Parenting, Bringing Up Responsible Teenagers, Parenting Teenagers, and When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope. He is also co-developer of the evidence-based Parents Plus Programmes. For more on his books and courses, see his website, solutiontalk.ie.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I start a conversation with my teenager about drugs without it turning into an argument?
Pick a calm moment rather than confronting them mid-crisis. Keep your tone concerned rather than accusatory, and be ready to listen as much as you talk.
What if my teenager denies using drugs even when I have evidence?
Give them space and time rather than pushing for an immediate confession. You can still have a useful conversation about the dangers of drug use and how to stay safe, even in general terms.
Should I punish my teenager if I find drugs or paraphernalia in their room?
Rather than jumping straight to punishment, try to agree a plan together first. If they won’t engage, you can put temporary boundaries in place — such as tying privileges to positive engagement with school — while explaining these are about safety and trust, not punishment for its own sake.
How can I keep my relationship with my teenager strong while I’m worried about drug use?
Keep checking in with them about their day-to-day life, not just about your concerns. A strong, ongoing relationship gives you far more influence than constant monitoring or arguments.
Where can parents in Ireland get support if they’re worried about a teenager’s drug use?
The HSE-supported drugs.ie service offers information and a helpline for parents as well as young people, even if your teenager isn’t ready to engage themselves.
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Want more support navigating the teenage years? Browse our family life section for more real-world parenting advice, or save this article to come back to when you need it.
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