As parents, we all want our children to grow into confident, capable, independent people. But sometimes the very things we do out of love can quietly get in the way of that. In this article, we look at the idea of the “Curling Parent” — and what it can teach us about raising an independent child.
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Sitting in a cafe in Copenhagen with a Danish friend, the conversation turned — as it so often does — to parenting. She introduced the term “Curling Parent.”
“Like in the Winter Olympics,” she explained. “The player hits the stone and it shoots across the ice. Right in front of the gliding stone, two people sweep furiously — swish, swish, swish — smoothing the ice so the stone travels as far as possible.”
The picture was clear. The Curling Parent is totally focused on helping their child succeed, smoothing every obstacle out of their path. It can feel like the ultimate act of love — but it may actually rob children of exactly what they need to develop real, lasting independence.
Here’s a look at the Curling Parent’s Mantra, followed by the Mindful Parent’s Response.
The Curling Parent’s Tactics
- Smooth every obstacle out of my child’s path.
- Don’t let anything get in the way of my child’s success.
- Do everything for my child.
- Protect my child from any hurt or disappointment that might come their way.
- It’s all — and only — about my child.
- Put all my focus and energy on my child’s success.
What can we take from this? Below is a Mindful Parenting response that offers real insight into how to support your child’s growing independence.
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The Mindful Parent’s Response
Here’s how a Mindful Parent responds to each point of the Curling Parent’s Mantra.
#1. I support my child to deal with the natural obstacles in her path.
Life isn’t a smooth playing field. There will be dips to fall into, obstacles to navigate and hills to climb — physically, mentally and emotionally.
Supporting my child isn’t about doing it for her. It’s about helping her learn to do it for herself. I want to champion her, not rescue her. She needs to encounter these situations to build the skills and resilience to handle challenges independently later in life.
#2. It’s okay to let my child experience failure.
I support my child to work through situations where she experiences failure, helping her realise that a failed attempt doesn’t make her a failure. Making mistakes is a natural part of growing and learning.
Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers. It builds resilience. When something doesn’t go to plan, I encourage her to ask: “Why did that happen?” “What can I learn from this?” “What could I do differently next time?”
I try to model this in my own life too, because she’s watching how I handle setbacks — and her attitude towards failure shapes her sense of competence and her ability to think and act independently.
“Temporary failure becomes permanent defeat only when you say so.” — Jen Sincero
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#3. I support my child to develop physical, mental and emotional competence.
I support my child in doing the tasks she’s able to manage at her stage of development, and I encourage her creativity. I help her build competence and confidence in her own ability and decision-making.
I try not to do for her what she’s well able to do for herself — except occasionally, as a loving gesture, or when she’s overwhelmed and needs support to get back into her “green zone” of clear-minded capability, which is itself part of building independence.
I don’t do everything for my child, because I recognise that real love means extending myself to support her growth — not replacing her effort with mine.
#4. I support my child to move through hurt or disappointment.
Hurt and disappointment are part of the journey of life. It’s neither possible nor helpful to shield my child from the full range of human emotion.
I think of these feelings like a train entering a tunnel. When I listen to his experience and validate it, I help him move through the tunnel, and he learns to find a safe space to talk about what he’s facing. Learning this now builds important coping skills, and it teaches him that it’s okay to ask for support when he needs it — he doesn’t have to go it alone.
#5. I help my child recognise that other people matter too.
I respond to my child’s needs, while also modelling that other people matter too — because the highest form of independence is really inter-dependence: knowing who’s on your team, and who you can trust to support you when you need it.
We’re all on this journey together. I try to create a home environment that supports the wellbeing of every family member — including me.
#6. Being “parent” is a role I fulfil — it’s not who I am.
I am a parent, and I love that role. But I’m also a whole person, with other relationships, interests and dreams of my own — and I make space for those parts of my life too, alongside meeting my child’s needs.
If I want my child to develop a healthy, independent sense of self, it starts with what she sees in me. The way I view myself, treat myself and pursue my own life shapes how she learns to do the same — including growing into a happy, compassionate and independent adult herself.
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Bringing It Together
Those are the six insights every parent needs to help their child grow into an independent, resilient person.
Of course, the Curling Parent is an extreme — a useful frame rather than a literal description of any of us. Read back through the Curling Parent’s Mantra and notice which tactics you might inadvertently slip into now and then. Then take a moment to sit with the corresponding Mindful Parent Response.
A trained parent coach can help you spot these patterns in your own family, and build the relationship skills that help everyone — parents included — interact confidently and respectfully, so home feels like a happier place for all.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a “Curling Parent”?
It’s a term for a parenting style focused on smoothing every obstacle out of a child’s path — much like curling players sweeping the ice ahead of the stone. Done with love, it can unintentionally prevent children from building the skills they need to cope independently.
Is it bad to help my child avoid failure?
Not entirely — but shielding a child from every setback can stop them learning resilience. Letting your child experience manageable failure, and talking through what happened afterwards, helps build coping skills for later life.
How can I support independence without being a “Curling Parent”?
Focus on helping your child do things for themselves rather than doing things for them, let them work through age-appropriate disappointment, and model a life of your own outside the parenting role.
At what age should I start encouraging independence?
There’s no single age — independence-building starts small, through everyday tasks and decisions appropriate to your child’s stage of development, and grows as they do.
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