How children value themselves shapes so much of their future — their confidence, their relationships, their willingness to try new things. So your child’s self-esteem really matters. But do you know how to nurture it?
This is the final part of our three-part series on building a child’s self-esteem. We’ve already covered two key foundations: building your child’s competence and nurturing their sense of connection and belonging. Our final key is self-worth — here are seven good tips that will help build your child’s self-esteem.
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The Third Key to Self-Esteem
The final essential factor in building self-esteem is your child’s sense of worth — knowing they are loved not for what they do, not for what they say, not for how they behave, but simply for who they are.
“Of course I love my child,” you say. And it’s true — it’s a very rare parent who doesn’t love their child. But loving your child is one thing; does your child always experience that love? Does your child know, deep down, “I am of worth” — even when their behaviour is challenging?
Maybe, like many parents, you’ve had moments when you were so focused on your own agenda that you lost touch with your child’s perspective. Angry or anxious moments when you overlooked what message your reaction sent to your child. Does this affect a child’s sense of worth?
Here’s an example:
“No!” snaps the mother.
I glance across the shopping arcade to where she stoops over the child. Her eyes flash at her toddler as her fingers snatch at his hand.
“Bad boy! That’s filthy!”
She grabs the sweet out of his hand before he can get it in his mouth.
“You don’t pick sweets off the floor. That’s disgusting.”
The child’s face crumples. The longed-for sweet has vanished, and Mammy is shouting at him. His eyes fill with tears, his little chest heaves, and loud wails fill the air.
“Stop now,” she says, slumping back into her chair, fingers wrapped around her coffee cup. She stares out at the busy mall, ignoring him as he sobs by her knees.
Part of me wants to go over to her. I want to tell her how much her little boy needs her understanding and connection right now — that he’s not even three, that his brain is still developing, and that he simply doesn’t understand about germs. But she’s frustrated. Right now she wouldn’t — couldn’t — hear it. She wants to be a “good” mother; she wants to keep him from danger. But she’s not seeing this from his point of view.
Imagine if he could put his experience into words: Red sweet. On floor. Sweet — mmmm. Mama shout. Mama take sweet. Want sweet. Mama shout. Mama say me bad.
An older child might have said, “Hey, give it back! That’s my sweet, I want it!” or thought, “What’s got into her?” But a young child can’t yet understand that his mother’s reaction is really about her own worry and love for him. The way he makes sense of it is simply: me bad. And “me bad” chips away at a child’s self-esteem.
We’ve all had moments when we’ve lost our cool with our children — moments we’re not proud of, moments we regret. In those moments, our children need us to reconnect with them. They need to hear that we’re sorry we got angry, and that we don’t want to behave that way again.
It’s not ideal, but every relationship has its fall-outs, and parents are human too. One isolated moment of losing your cool won’t do lasting harm. What matters far more is what your day-to-day interactions say to your child: “You are loved. You are lovable.”
But when a child experiences shaming behaviour from a parent or carer day after day, each upset takes a small bite out of their self-worth — like tiny termites quietly eroding the foundations of a house. Sometimes, as parents, it’s easier to excuse our own behaviour than to face the fact that we are mirrors to our children. They see themselves in what we reflect back to them. It’s worth paying attention to those small, everyday interactions that build — or erode — our children’s self-esteem.
Here are seven more useful parenting tips, this time focused on your child’s sense of worth — the third key to building self-esteem.
#1. Be kind to your child
Your child’s sense of worth comes from the smile in your eyes, the warmth in your hugs, the caring in your voice.
Be kind especially when it’s hardest to do so. When your child is acting in an unlovable way that needs you to set a limit, that’s often exactly when they need your love and reassurance the most.
Recommended Reading: 8 Top Tips for Positive Parenting
#2. Listen
Focus on really hearing your child’s experience, without interrupting, disagreeing or steering the conversation towards your own agenda. To feel that they matter, children need to know that their experiences and opinions matter too.
#3. See life from your child’s perspective
When you’re focused only on your own agenda, it’s easy to read your child’s behaviour as disobedient, uncooperative, naughty or lazy — and those judgements can seep into how you respond. When you pause to consider how your child might be seeing the situation, you’ll usually find yourself thinking and acting more compassionately.
#4. Be kind to yourself
When you’re feeling good inside, it’s easier to feel good towards others and to be fully present for them.
Recommended Reading: Looking After Yourself for The Sake of the Kids
#5. In an upsetting situation, give your child the benefit of the doubt
Try imagining that your child had a positive intent, even if you can’t see it right now. When a parent focuses only on “the bad” in a situation, it becomes very easy to blame or shame.
#6. Deliberately schedule one-on-one time
Family time together matters, but every child — no matter their age — thrives on “just me” time. Time intentionally spent with your child sends a clear message: “You matter to me.”
Recommended Reading: 25 Special Ways To Spend Quality Time with Your Child
#7. Have a routine that leaves room for cosy, one-on-one moments
It’s easy to be so focused on getting children to bed that we miss the fact that the end-of-day routine is often a key opportunity for snuggles and chats about the day. Every child deserves to fall asleep feeling loved.
Reading your child stories that carry the message “you are of value” can be a lovely part of that routine. One favourite is Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney and Anita Jeram. Do you have a favourite that gives your child the message that they’re loved and worthwhile? Let us know in the comments.
Recommended Reading: 100 Best Ever Bedtime Stories for Kids
Want more support with everyday parenting moments?
Building self-esteem happens in the small, everyday moments — not in getting everything perfect. If you’d like more practical tools for handling challenging behaviour, understanding why discipline works better than punishment, and creating a calmer, happier home, watching the video above is a good place to start.
Over to you — we’d love to hear from you! Have you any further tips for building your child’s self-esteem, or do you have questions of your own? Let us know in the comments below.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is self-esteem in a child, and why does it matter?
Self-esteem is how a child values and sees themselves — whether they feel capable, connected and worthy of love. It matters because it shapes how confidently children approach challenges, relationships and setbacks throughout their lives.
What are the three keys to building a child’s self-esteem?
The three keys are building your child’s competence, nurturing their sense of connection and belonging, and helping them feel a genuine sense of self-worth — knowing they are loved unconditionally, not just for what they do.
How can I repair things with my child after I’ve lost my temper?
Reconnect as soon as you can. A simple, honest acknowledgement — saying you’re sorry you got angry and that you love them — helps your child understand that the upset was a moment, not a reflection of their worth.
Does one bad moment damage a child’s self-esteem?
No. An isolated moment of frustration is a normal part of parenting. What shapes a child’s self-worth over time is the overall pattern of day-to-day interactions, not a single difficult moment.
What’s a simple daily habit that helps build self-worth?
Small, consistent things matter most: one-on-one time, really listening without judgement, and a calm, connected bedtime routine that ends the day with warmth rather than rush.
Related Articles
- 7 Useful Tips to Build Self-Esteem in Your Child
- 7 More Useful Tips on How to Build Self-Esteem in Your Child
- 8 Top Tips for Positive Parenting
- Looking After Yourself for The Sake of the Kids
- 25 Special Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Child
- 100 Best Ever Bedtime Stories for Kids
Before You Go
If this article gave you something useful to think about, why not browse more of our parenting tips and ideas for family life — there’s always something new to explore.
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