Losing a child at any age is a parent’s worst nightmare. It leaves behind an aching loss for bereaved parents, one that’s often intensified at times when everyone else is celebrating milestones.
Here is heartfelt advice from one bereaved mother, to help other parents navigate a day when there is no ‘first day of school’.
You may also enjoy: Winterbear, a Song for Anyone Who Has Lost a Child
Missing Milestones as Bereaved Parents
When you mourn the death of an adult – a parent, sibling or friend – you are grieving for the life you had together. When a child dies, you grieve for the life that was ahead of them, and all the milestones they will never see.
One of those milestones for bereaved parents is the day their child should be starting school. The first day of school is a very important ritual in the life of a child and a family. It’s a day all parents look forward to with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Will my child settle in? Will she make friends? Will he like the teacher? Did I get the right bag? Will the lunch be eaten?
Buying the books, the bag and all the other gear is exciting, and naturally your child will look adorable in their new uniform. You’ll join the other parents at the school door and hand your child over to the world. A new adventure begins. You might shed a little tear, but you’ll know your child is in good hands.
But what about the parent whose child isn’t there? For bereaved parents, “school season”, as one mum likes to call it, is full of sadness and longing. The back-to-school buzz starts early, so the dread starts early too. Other parents are excitedly planning their child’s first day. You listen to chats about uniforms and shoes and wish you could join in. If another child in the extended family is due to start school, and your own child has been forgotten, it can be heartbreaking.
Many bereaved parents, especially those living in small towns, have no choice but to drive or walk past the local school every day, and the first day of school in September is no exception. If you have older children already in school, you have no choice but to walk them in. And there they are before you – the new Junior Infants. But your child isn’t there.
Advice for Bereaved Parents
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If you are a bereaved parent whose child should be starting school, here is some advice from someone who has been there:
1. Don’t be hard on yourself. The sadness is normal. You’re not going mad and you’re not the only person going through this. Connect with other bereaved parents to talk through what you are feeling. A Little Lifetime Foundation supports parents whose babies die at or around the time of birth. The charity’s support meetings and online discussion forum are there for you to talk about this challenging milestone in your journey.
2. If you have older children already in the school who have to be dropped in but you just can’t face it, ask a friend or family member to do this for you. It’s okay to take one day off for yourself.
3. Try to stay away from social media for a few days. It can be hard to see the smiling faces of other children the same age as your child should be, jumping out at you from your phone. You are not begrudging anybody else their happiness, but it makes you wonder what might have been for your son or daughter.
4. Make a plan. Think about what you’d like to do. Maybe go for a walk or meet a friend for a cuppa. Or maybe you’d prefer just to go to ground for the day and not see anyone.
5. Create a little ritual for your child. On what would have been one mum’s son Xavier’s first day at school, she and her husband both took the day off work. They went to the graveyard to clean their son’s headstone, then went for breakfast. They do this every year now. Having been tied up with books, shoes, schoolbags and all the back-to-school paraphernalia for their other children, it feels nice to spend a little time making a fuss over their missing son too. Find a ritual that works for you. It could be something as simple as lighting a candle, writing about the day in a journal, or going to a special place connected to your child.
You may also enjoy: Meet Baby Leti: Honouring the Twin Bond and Pregnancy Loss
Advice for Family and Friends
If you have a friend or family member whose child should be starting school, here are some things you can do to help them through it:
1. Mention that you are thinking of their child and where they should be now. Ask how the bereaved mum or dad is doing. Something that simple really is very meaningful to bereaved parents.
2. If you have children going to school yourself, please don’t complain about the cost. Your friend would love to be spending that money on their child.
3. If your friend has older children in the same school as your child, offer to drop their children to school on the first day. They might want this but feel too guilty to ask.
4. If you are uploading photos of your child’s first day to your own social media, don’t tag a bereaved parent. We know you don’t mean to be hurtful, but it can be very distressing.
5. Offer to take the mum or dad out for a coffee or a walk on the day. But if they would rather be alone, be understanding about that.
If you are facing into what should be your child’s first day at school, our heart goes out to you. It is a day full of very complex emotions. And if you are further along in your journey and missing out on your child going into, say, 4th class or Transition Year, that is still challenging and you still deserve support.
Remember that these sad days tend to be worse in our imagination. The anxiety of the build-up is awful, but the day itself is usually never as bad as we think. It will be sad, yes, but you will get through it. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and let others be kind to you.
You may also enjoy: How to Talk to Kids About Losing a Loved One
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Frequently Asked Questions
What can help bereaved parents get through the first day of school?
Having a plan for the day helps. Some parents ask a friend or family member to handle the school run if there are older children involved, some step away from social media for a few days, and many create a small personal ritual to mark the day in their own way.
How can I support a friend whose child has died as other children start school?
Simply acknowledging their child and asking how they’re doing means a great deal. Small gestures help too, such as offering to do the school drop-off for their other children, and being mindful about tagging them in first-day-of-school photos.
Does it get easier for bereaved parents as time goes on?
Every parent’s journey is different, and milestones can remain difficult for years, not just in the first year. Ongoing support, whether from loved ones or organisations who specialise in bereavement, can make a real difference at each new milestone.
Are there support organisations for bereaved parents?
Yes. Organisations such as A Little Lifetime Foundation support parents through the loss of a baby, offering support meetings and an online discussion forum for parents who want to talk through what they’re feeling.
Related Articles
- Winterbear, a Song for Anyone Who Has Lost a Child
- Meet Baby Leti: Honouring the Twin Bond and Pregnancy Loss
- How to Talk to Kids About Losing a Loved One
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