The topic of grief and losing a loved one is one of the hardest conversations a parent will ever have with their child — especially when you’re likely feeling the very same loss yourself. Children will often ask big, difficult questions, and it’s tempting to avoid them or soften them into silence. But sweeping these questions under the carpet doesn’t protect kids — it just leaves them to make sense of loss on their own.
As a mum-of-three who lost my own father when I was very young, I want to share what I’ve learned about how to talk to kids about losing a loved one.
#1. Focus on What Life is About
Losing loved ones or friends is a reality most of us face at some point — whether it’s a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a baby, a friend or even a pet. Mortality is part of life, and the hard thing to explain to children is that none of us knows how long our own “span” will be.
It helps to focus conversations on what life is really about — that living means creating special moments with the people we love, and that those moments and memories stay with us forever.
#2. Always in Our Minds and Hearts
Explain that even though the loved one isn’t here with us anymore, they’re always in our mind and in our heart. They stay safe and warm inside us through our memories.
#3. Help Keep Memories Alive
Talk about the person who has passed, often. Remember the good times together and write them down. Draw pictures. Sit with those memories rather than avoiding them.
Recommended Reading: Tips for Talking to your Child about Teenage Suicide
#4. Understand Triggers
There are lots of triggers that bring back the people we’ve lost. I remember my dad, who passed when I was a small girl of seven, every time I hear an Eagles song on the radio, or catch a certain aftershave. I remember him often through these small moments. A friend of mine who passed away a couple of years ago “comes” to me in the form of a butterfly. It makes me smile every time.
#5. Help Kids Know How to Communicate with Others
I remember dreading telling people about my father dying — the sorry looks on their faces felt like a source of unwanted embarrassment for me as a child. Give your children the skills of communication. Teach them how to respond to people’s sympathy. They’ll use these skills throughout their lives in tricky or confronting situations.
#6. Be Honest
Be honest with your children about your own feelings. It’s important to let them see you cry, so they know that adults grieve too. Be strong for them, but don’t feel you have to be stoic.
Recommended Reading: Looking After Yourself For the Kids’ Sake
#7. Tell Them It’s OK Still to Have Fun
The most important gift you can give a grieving child is the knowledge that it’s okay to smile again — that it’s okay to have fun in their life without guilt. Their special person wouldn’t want them to be sad forever. They would want them to live their life to the fullest.
On the Wings of a Butterfly is a children’s book written to support conversations on grief and loss with children aged 4 and up. Drawing on her own experience of losing her father as a seven-year-old, and working with child psychologists and counsellors to shape the message, the author has written about this difficult topic in language that resonates with children. The book is available to buy online.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if my child is ready to talk about death?
There’s no single “right” age — most children can begin to understand loss once they’re able to ask questions about it. Follow their lead, answer honestly in simple terms, and let them come back to the topic as often as they need to.
Should I let my child see me cry?
Yes. Showing your own feelings, in a way that’s honest but not overwhelming, helps children understand that grief is normal and that adults feel it too. It gives them permission to express their own emotions.
What if my child seems fine and doesn’t want to talk about it?
That’s normal too. Grief doesn’t move on a timetable, and children often process loss in bursts — playing one minute, asking a big question the next. Keep the door open rather than forcing conversation.
Is it okay for my child to have fun again after a loss?
Absolutely. Reassure your child that smiling, playing and enjoying life again isn’t a betrayal of the person they’ve lost. Their loved one would want them to keep living fully.
You Might Also Like
- Tips for Talking to your Child about Teenage Suicide
- Looking After Yourself For the Kids’ Sake
- Supporting Your Child Through Big Life Changes
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