The #MeToo movement put a global spotlight on consent — and that conversation matters just as much for children as it does for adults. Here, Feather Berkower, founder of Parenting Safe Children, explains why it’s so important for parents to talk to their kids about #MeToo, consent and body safety — and how to do it, at every age.
At Parenting Safe Children, we’ve spent years talking with parents about how to raise boys who seek consent, and raise girls who feel confident speaking up.
Here’s what parents need to know:
- Teach your sons about consent, and that “No” means “No”.
- Teach your daughters about consent, and that they have a voice and the right to use it.
- To help keep all children — boys and girls — safe from sexual abuse, tell every substitute caregiver (teacher, coach, nanny, tutor, and so on) that your child has been taught body-safety rules and does not keep secrets. If nothing else, this puts people on notice that your child is off-limits.
Related: Keep Kids Safe: Do Innocent Secrets Make Kids More Vulnerable?
3 Tips for Talking with Kids About Consent
Here are three tips for talking to your child about consent:
1. Teach your child that no one is allowed to touch their private parts
And they are not allowed to touch anyone else’s private parts, unless you’re helping them wash, or it’s the doctor and you, the parent, are present.
For teens: no one has the right to touch the private areas of your body without your permission. No one has the right to force, coerce, threaten or manipulate you into any kind of sexual activity — and the same goes the other way round.
2. Teach your children that they get to choose who they show affection to
This one can be hard for parents. If Nan wants a hug from your child, Nan has to ask — and if the answer is “No,” then it’s “No.” You can still be kind about it, but if your children don’t get to choose whether they hug or kiss family members, how can you expect them to say “No” to someone else?
3. Invite all of your children’s caregivers onto your prevention team
Let every coach, teacher, doctor, tutor, relative and nanny know that you’re paying attention, and that your child has been taught body-safety rules.
Related: Is Someone Grooming Your Child for Sexual Abuse?
Seize Teachable Moments
Just as you’d talk to your children and teens about any safety issue — bicycle helmets, safety in numbers, alcohol — it’s important to talk with them about consent, and what it looks like in everyday situations. Children give us plenty of natural openings for these conversations.
Your toddler in the tub: “I’m washing your vulva now. Your vulva is your private part. There are only three people who are allowed to touch it: you; me, if I’m helping you clean it — though you can say no if you want to clean it yourself; and the doctor, but only if I’m there.”
Your child on the playground: Your child takes a ball from another child. This is a great teachable moment. You might say, “Oliver, did you ask Ella if you could have her ball? Remember, you have to ask first, and she has the right to say yes or no — and you have to respect that.”
Your tween wrestling with dad: Mum hears Harry say “Stop,” but the wrestling continues, along with some laughter. This is a good moment for Mum to say, “Hold on — I just heard Harry say ‘Stop,’ but you’re still wrestling. Remember, we’re a family who values consent. Harry, do you want to keep wrestling? Is there anything in particular you want your dad to stop doing?”
A tween who’s been taught about consent might answer: “I want to keep wrestling, but I don’t like it when you tickle me.”
Your teen who’s starting to date: Alongside direct conversations about consent, try a few “what if” games. For example: “So, Amelia, what if your new boyfriend wants to kiss you and you’re not into it? What might you say or do?”
Grandparent greeting your child: Dad’s mum comes over and asks Poppy for a hug. Dad can say, “I know you love hugging Poppy, but we’re teaching her that she gets to choose if and when she gives or receives hugs — so she knows she has our permission to say no if she’s ever uncomfortable.”
If Not You, Then Who?
Parents are best placed to teach children about consent, because keeping children safe is a parent’s job. When kids are taught about consent at every stage of growing up, they’re more likely to mature into adults who understand and apply consent in their own relationships.
Consent happens when someone freely agrees to, and gives permission for, an activity by saying “Yes.” Consent must always be freely given — each person needs to feel able to say “Yes” or “No,” and even after saying “Yes,” they can still stop at any point. If there isn’t a clear “Yes,” the answer is “No” by default. That includes situations where someone can’t find their voice to say anything at all — that’s still “No.”
Related: What to Do If You Think Your Teenager Is Having Sex
About Feather
Feather Berkower, LCSW, is founder of Parenting Safe Children, the PSC Online Workshop, and co-author of Off Limits, a parenting book that changes the way you think about keeping kids safe.
Feather has educated over 100,000 schoolchildren, parents and professionals. She makes a difficult topic feel less scary, and helps parents and communities keep children safe.
Over to you now — how have you handled talking to your child about consent? Share your experience in the comments below.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age should I start talking to my child about consent?
You can start as early as toddlerhood, using simple, everyday moments like bath time or sharing toys. Consent conversations grow with your child — the language just gets more detailed as they get older.
What’s the simplest way to explain consent to a young child?
Keep it concrete: their body belongs to them, no one is allowed to touch their private parts, and they get to choose who they hug or kiss. Reinforcing this consistently, in ordinary moments, works better than one big talk.
How do I bring consent into conversations with a teenager?
Use real situations and “what if” questions — for example, asking what they’d say if a partner wanted something they weren’t comfortable with. Direct, calm conversations work better than a single formal chat.
Do I need to involve other caregivers in these conversations?
Yes. Letting teachers, coaches, tutors and family members know your child has been taught body-safety rules puts everyone on notice and reinforces the message consistently across your child’s life.
Related Articles
- Keep Kids Safe: Do Innocent Secrets Make Kids More Vulnerable?
- Is Someone Grooming Your Child for Sexual Abuse?
- What to Do If You Think Your Teenager Is Having Sex
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