Parenting is full of small, well-meaning moments — a late bedtime, an extra treat, a wink and a “let’s not mention this to Mum.” Most of the time these little secrets are harmless fun between a child and a trusted adult. But according to Feather Berkower, founder of Parenting Safe Children, these same “innocent” secrets can unintentionally make it harder to keep kids safe from abuse.
Here’s what every parent should understand about secrets, and some simple habits that can help protect children.
Requesting “innocent” secrets such as, “Don’t tell your mum I let you stay up late tonight because we’ll both get in trouble,” can increase children’s vulnerability to sexual abuse. These “innocent” secrets are the very same secrets used by people who sexually abuse children.
It works like this: once someone who intends to abuse a child has built a friendship — or already has inherent trust because they’re a parent, relative or close family friend — the secrets begin, building up over time. This is part of what’s known as the “grooming” process, which can take place over weeks or months, and might look something like this:
First secret: “What do you say we have a couple of extra cookies – and let’s not tell?”- Second secret: “Let’s have another bowl of ice cream, but don’t tell your mum because she’ll be mad at both of us, and won’t let me babysit again.”
- Third secret: “It’s almost your bedtime but since we’re having so much fun, let’s stay up and watch another movie. This will be our little secret, right, since we’ve gotten to be such good pals.”
- Fourth secret: “Hey, I have an idea. Want to play a fun touching game? You tickle me and I tickle you. After all, we’ve gotten so close and we do fun things together and have special secrets.”
You can probably see where this is heading. As the secrets build up, the child starts to feel trapped and unable to tell anyone.
Feather Berkower notes that most people who have sexually abused a child — men and women, in prison and out — describe secrets, and getting a child to share in them, as the foundation of the abuse and the key to keeping the child silent afterwards. One man who had abused his daughter used a final secret laced with a threat: “If you tell, this will break up our family.”
Confusion for Children Around Secrets
So are parents unwittingly contributing to this confusion? Often, yes.
This isn’t to say that everyone who keeps a small secret with a child is grooming or abusing them — of course not. But when trusted, safe adults keep “innocent” secrets with kids, it becomes harder for children to tell the difference between a harmless secret and an unsafe one. Even when your intentions are completely good, someone else might not be — and they can use that same pattern of secret-keeping to get a child to hide something far more serious.
Tips to Help Keep Kids Safe
These are simple habits parents can put in place at home, drawn from the Parenting Safe Children approach to protecting children from sexual abuse and building their body confidence.
1. Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises.
A secret is something someone asks you to “never” tell, and it usually makes you feel uncomfortable. A surprise is something that makes you feel good and will come out into the open eventually — like a gift or a party.
2. Maintain a “no secrets” policy in your home.
Let your kids know that your family doesn’t keep secrets — only surprises. Instead of saying, “Don’t tell Mum I let you stay up tonight or we’ll both get into trouble,” try something like: “I’ll let you stay up a bit later tonight, and if Mum and I don’t agree about bedtime, we’ll sort it out between us. That’s not something you need to worry about.”
Some families like to make this concrete for younger children by creating a simple body safety poster together, setting out in child-friendly language that there are no secrets in their home, only surprises.
3. Let people know your family does not have secrets.
Tell caregivers — including family members, coaches, teachers, babysitters and faith leaders — that your child doesn’t keep secrets and has your full permission to tell you anything, at any time, without getting into trouble.
About Feather Berkower
Feather Berkower, LCSW, is the founder of Parenting Safe Children and co-author of Off Limits, a parenting book that changes the way families think about keeping kids safe. Feather has educated more than 100,000 schoolchildren, parents and professionals, helping to make a difficult topic feel less daunting — and empowering parents and communities to protect children.
Related reading: 10 Tips to Keep Kids Safe from Abuse
Over to you — do you keep a “no secrets” policy in your home? What’s worked for your family?
Frequently Asked Questions
What’s the difference between a secret and a surprise?
A secret is something you’re told to never share, and it often comes with a feeling of discomfort or unease. A surprise is something fun and temporary that’s meant to come out into the open, like a birthday gift or a party. Teaching children this distinction helps them recognise when something doesn’t feel right.
Why are “innocent” secrets risky, even when they’re harmless?
Even well-meaning secrets — like an extra treat or a late bedtime — teach a child that keeping things from a parent is normal and okay when a trusted adult asks. That pattern can be misused by someone with harmful intentions, who may build on the same habit to get a child to hide something far more serious.
How do I start a “no secrets” policy at home?
Talk to your children in simple, age-appropriate language about the difference between secrets and surprises. Reassure them that they will never get in trouble for telling you anything, and gently reframe any “let’s keep this between us” moments into open conversations instead.
What should I tell caregivers, coaches or family members?
Let anyone who spends time with your child — grandparents, babysitters, coaches, teachers, faith leaders — know that your family doesn’t keep secrets, and that your child has permission to tell you anything without worrying about getting into trouble.
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Looking for more ways to keep your family safe and confident? Browse our other family safety articles for practical, parent-friendly advice.
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