When your child is anxious, sad or nervous about school, it can lead to real distress at home for the whole family. As a parent coach, I’ve helped families deal with these issues time and again, and these are my essential steps for how to support your child if they are having difficulty at school.
Is your child worried about making friends, anxious about changing class, struggling with separation anxiety, or facing into exams? Perhaps there’s an issue with bullying, an unwillingness to take part in activities, or upset because they have nobody to play with. There are many ways your child could be having difficulty at school, and as a parent coach, I regularly hear about these concerns.
Understandably, whatever the issue, it can cause emotional distress for the child, as well as anxiety for parents.
If you want to know how to support a child having difficulty at school, the first step is to build T-R-U-S-T.
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5 Tips For Dealing With Difficulty at School
T = Teamwork
A “team” mindset is your first key to supporting your child, and to finding a viable way forward.
“We’re in this together. We can find solutions together.”
When we feel anxious as parents, it’s easy to slip into an “I – you” mindset, which sends the message, “I am the expert and you need fixing.”
A parent can jump in with pre-made solutions:
“You should…”, “Why don’t you…?” or “Here’s what you need to do…”
The parent’s advice is well intended, but there are two main issues here:
- You are not your child. It’s not you in that situation, and you are a different personality with different life experience. What works for you won’t necessarily work for your child.
- When you try to rescue your child with your solutions, you set them up as a victim — which means you aren’t helping them build the inner resources and resilience to deal with similar issues in future.
So keep teamwork uppermost in your thinking.
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R = Respect the Uniqueness of Your Child
Our children need to be treated with respect — their emotions, their experiences and their opinions matter as much as ours.
When we jump in with our own solutions, or dismiss their experiences with comments like “That’s life, get over it,” we’re not respecting that our children are individuals on their own unique life journey who need our emotional support — particularly when life is challenging.
We cannot walk their path for them. We can offer listening and understanding.
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U = Understand
Understand that each person is a rich complexity of emotions, thoughts and physiology, including neuro-chemical reactions.
We’re parenting at one of the most fascinating times, because neuroscience keeps revealing new insights into how complex we are as human beings — impacted biologically as well as psychologically, and shaped by our interactions with others. No situation is ever simple. No challenging interaction is easy.
We can’t change another person, but we can reflect on our own part in creating a safe listening space where we collaborate with our children to co-create solutions.
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S = Ensure Psychological Safety
A key insight from neuroscience is that the amygdala — the “fight or flight” part of the brain — is continuously assessing, in every relationship: “Am I safe?”
It’s assessing not just physical safety, but emotional safety too.
When the amygdala senses judgement, criticism, coercion, control, a “win at all costs” attitude, or “I’m right, you’re wrong,” it triggers an alert that causes the thinking and reasoning parts of the brain to temporarily go offline.
When you feel like saying to your child, “Why don’t you listen to me!” or “Why can’t you see sense!” — they probably can’t. Your child has gone into survival mode.
It’s our job as parents to create the psychological safety that calms the amygdala, so the child’s thinking and reasoning skills can come back online. This happens when the child senses our unconditional love, our willingness to hear and validate their experience, and our willingness to find collaborative solutions together.
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T = Create Trust
The amygdala is continuously assessing: “Can I trust this person?”
Trust is not a given. In every situation we need to create it, especially when anxiety is running high.
When the amygdala senses safety, the nature of the space between parent and child — and within each of them — changes.
Philosopher Martin Buber describes this as the “I – thou” relationship: honouring the unique personhood of the other. This matters as much with young children as with older children and adults.
When parents are triggered by their own anxiety, it’s easy to forget the importance of trust that respects the individuality of the child, and that empowers them to work with us to find a way forward together, rather than pushing for our own solutions — however well intended.
Our children need us to create Teamwork, Respect, Understanding and psychological Safety, so we can lay a foundation of Trust from which a meaningful way forward can be discovered.
If we, as parents, try to take over and resolve issues when our children are having difficulty at school — or in other areas of their lives — it’s like trying to build a house without first laying a foundation. Even small tremors can bring the whole thing tumbling down.
The Power of Parent Coaching
As a parent coach, I support parents in finding a helpful path through the challenges their children face.
Here’s a quick glimpse of what this looks like in practice.
Often I’ll ask a parent to describe one particular parent-child interaction concerning this difficulty at school, using the exact wording they used in response to the child.
Then I ask the parent to pause and imagine themselves in the child’s shoes.
“What might your child be noticing about you?”
Very often the parent immediately becomes aware — not only of unhelpful words they used, but also their body language and tone of voice. Their child’s reaction begins to make sense.
I invite the parent to imagine this as a scene from a film, and to replay it in their imagination in a way that builds Teamwork, Respect, Understanding, psychological Safety and Trust. I ask them to imagine how their child might respond differently, and how that might feel for both of them.
When they describe the recreated scene, I ask them to identify the ways they’re now responding more helpfully.
And when I ask what’s stopping them from creating this kind of interaction, they often realise: it’s their own anxiety.
I become part of the parent’s team, helping them figure out what’s needed to be the parent they’d love to be.
I love Maya Angelou’s famous quote:
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If we want our children to remember that we made them feel strong, confident and able to rise to life’s challenges, it starts with creating Teamwork, Respect, Understanding, psychological Safety and Trust.
As family dynamics become happier and healthier, I often ask parents to describe the space between them and their child in terms of a river.
Where trust has been low, that river is often described as muddy, turbulent, with banks far apart. As trust is established, parents describe it as calm, clear and easy to cross.
So it’s over to you. If you’re going through an anxious time — such as helping a child who’s having difficulty at school — consider the “river” of your relationship, and how it’s shaped by the level of trust between you.
How would you like your river to be? What’s one small, doable step you could take today to build greater Teamwork, Respect, Understanding, psychological Safety and Trust between you and your child?
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if my child is having difficulty at school?
Watch for changes in mood, sleep, appetite or behaviour around school days — reluctance to go in, physical complaints like tummy aches, withdrawal from friends, or a drop in confidence. Trust your instincts and open a gentle conversation rather than waiting for a crisis.
What should I say to my child if they’re struggling at school?
Lead with listening rather than solutions. Try phrases like “Tell me more about that” or “That sounds hard — I’m here.” Avoid jumping straight to advice or dismissing their feelings, even if the issue seems small to you.
Should I contact the school if my child is having difficulty?
Yes — the school is a key partner. Once you’ve listened to your child and have a sense of the issue, a calm, factual conversation with their teacher or year head can help you build a joined-up plan of support.
How long does it take to rebuild trust with an anxious or struggling child?
There’s no fixed timeline. Small, consistent steps — really listening, avoiding judgement, and working together rather than dictating solutions — tend to build trust gradually rather than overnight.
When should I seek outside help, such as a parent coach or counsellor?
If distress is ongoing, affecting sleep, friendships or willingness to attend school, or if you feel stuck despite your best efforts, it’s worth reaching out to your child’s school, a parent coach, or your GP for guidance on next steps.
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