If recent news, or something closer to home, has left you worried about talking to your child about teenage suicide, you’re not alone. It’s one of the hardest conversations a parent can face — but staying silent isn’t the safer option. Dr. John Sharry, co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes, shares practical, expert guidance on how to approach this conversation with care, and how to help take any sense of “heroism” out of the idea of suicide.
Ask the Expert — Question
The many suicides of young people covered in the media have made me really worried as a parent. I have two teenagers – a boy of 14 and a girl who is just 16. As far as I know they are doing well, with the usual ups and downs of the teenage years. But sometimes I worry if I could be missing something. How could I tell if they were in distress or even suicidal?
I don’t want to be morbid, but you read about how often a suicide comes out of the blue, with the parents never suspecting a thing. How can you spot the early warning signs as a parent? You also read about copycat suicides, which is terrifying. Should I talk to my children about what’s going on in the media and, if so, how should I go about it? I don’t want to make matters worse, or put ideas in their head.
Answer
Media coverage of the tragic suicides of young people can raise important issues, but there’s a real danger that some reporting can inadvertently present suicide as a legitimate, or even heroic, choice for a young person in distress. Given the potential for copycat or “cluster” suicides, it matters greatly how suicide is discussed — both in the media generally, and with young people in schools and families specifically.
When suicide-prevention programmes were first developed for schools, early evaluations found that some programmes — particularly those focused purely on providing information and educating young people about suicide — did not reduce the incidence of suicide, and in some cases may have actually increased young people’s thinking about it as an option.
The key lesson from this research is that raising the subject of suicide is a delicate conversation to get right with young people, and that prevention should focus largely on positive mental health and equipping your children to deal with distress in healthier ways.
Talking to Children about Suicide
When the subject of suicide comes up in the media, or if your teenager hears of a suicide in their local area, it’s important to discuss it with them rather than staying silent. Assume they will already have talked about it with their peers — it matters that you, as their parent, are part of that conversation too.
The first step is to acknowledge the tragedy of what has happened, and give your teenager space to share their own feelings and thoughts. Then acknowledge the distress and upset the young person involved must have been feeling, and how sad it is that they didn’t talk to someone, or didn’t feel they had other options to deal with their problems.
It’s also important to help your teenager empathise with the enormous distress felt by that young person’s family and friends.
Talk about how serious and irreversible suicide is, and the harm it causes to a family, a community and wider society.
The key message you want your teenager to take away is that suicide causes great harm to other people as well as to the young person themselves, and that it is never a legitimate way of dealing with distress.
While staying sensitive and empathetic, help your teenager see that the genuinely “heroic” course of action for someone in distress is to take steps to deal with their problems, and to keep going despite their suffering — for their own sake, and for the sake of those close to them.
Suicide Prevention
The school-based suicide-prevention programmes that show the most promise are the ones that emphasise positive mental health, active coping strategies, and reaching out to others when in distress.
The same approach is worth adopting at home. Sit down and talk with your teenager about the importance of looking after their own mental health, especially the importance of talking to someone when they’re under pressure or stressed.
Remind them that you’re always there to listen, no matter what’s upsetting them — whether it seems trivial or serious to you.
Make a habit of practising this openness as a parent: listen to your teenager first, even if you’ve just had a row, even if they’ve done something wrong, and especially if they seem embarrassed about talking.
Explore Coping Strategies
It can help to explore, together, what coping strategies your teenager might use when they’re under stress or facing a difficult situation. For example, ask them who they might talk to if they were feeling down about a problem (besides you), or how they’d reach out to a friend they thought was struggling.
Certain risk factors are linked to teenagers harming themselves — things like drinking, drug use, or other risky behaviour, particularly within an unsupportive peer group. As a parent, you can help reduce these risks by encouraging friendships that are supportive and a good influence.
You might also like Tips for Talking to your Teenager about Drugs and Advice for Parents on Teenage Drinking
It’s also worth exploring how they might handle tricky situations in practice — for example, how they could say “no” if another teenager offered them a lift home after drinking.
The aim is to build up the range of good strategies they can draw on when things get difficult.
Keep Connected to your Teenager
Every teenager is different, and the early warning signs of distress vary a lot from one young person to another.
The key, as a parent, is to stay connected and tuned in, so you notice changes — becoming withdrawn or uncommunicative, appearing under stress, or having friendship or relationship problems, for example. Staying alert to these shifts means you can step in early to reach out and support them.
About the Author
Dr. John Sharry is the author of ten parenting and positive psychology books, including Positive Parenting, Bringing Up Responsible Teenagers and When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope. He is also the co-developer of the evidence-based Parents Plus Programmes. For more on his books and seminars, see his website, solutiontalk.ie.
Have you any tips for other parents on talking to teens about suicide? Share them in the comments below.
FAQs
How do I bring up the topic of suicide without upsetting my teenager?
Start gently, acknowledge that it’s a hard topic, and let them know you’re raising it because you care, not because you suspect something specific. Give them space to talk, and listen more than you speak.
Will talking about suicide put the idea in my child’s head?
Research on school prevention programmes suggests the opposite is more likely: staying silent doesn’t protect young people, while open, sensitive conversations that focus on coping and reaching out for help tend to be more protective.
What are some warning signs I should watch for?
Look out for changes from your teenager’s usual self — becoming withdrawn, uncommunicative, unusually stressed, or having new friendship or relationship difficulties. Trust your instincts if something feels different.
What should I do if my teenager tells me they’ve thought about suicide?
Stay calm, listen without judgement, and take what they say seriously. Encourage them to talk to you, and support them in reaching out to a GP, school counsellor, or another qualified professional for further help.
Looking for more support?
Related reading: Tips for Talking to your Teenager about Drugs · Advice for Parents on Teenage Drinking · Supporting Your Teenager’s Mental Health
If this article was useful, you might like to save it for later or share it with another parent who could use it.
Stay in the loop
Want more practical parenting advice like this, straight to your inbox? Sign up for the MyKidsTime newsletter for weekly ideas, tips and support for family life.
