A healthy self-esteem is key to your child’s happiness and success, both now and in the future. Lack of confidence and over-confidence can both be signs that a child’s self-esteem isn’t as strong as it could be. So how can we, as parents, help build our child’s self-esteem? Thankfully, there are lots of simple, everyday ways to boost our kids’ confidence. Here are 7 useful tips on how to build self-esteem in your child, with key insights and practical ideas to help you.
Have you ever watched a child with hunched shoulders and downcast eyes, looking miserable and not interacting with the other children, and thought, “I don’t want my child to ever be like that”?
Or maybe you’ve noticed a child who is so loud and over-the-top in her behaviour that she doesn’t seem to take anyone else’s needs into consideration, and you’ve had the same thought.
In both situations, it’s likely that the child’s behaviour is rooted in low self-esteem. Lack of confidence and over-confidence are both signs that a child’s self-esteem isn’t strong. We intuitively recognise that the child isn’t sure of himself, and that these behaviours won’t help him build strong friendships or develop the social skills he needs to navigate life.
Self-esteem is our rudder in life. A boat without a rudder drifts aimlessly. A small, weak rudder isn’t adequate to steer through stormy times. A strong, smooth and resilient rudder guides the boat to its destination. What sort of rudder are you helping your child to build?
Recommended Reading: Alvin Price Quote Sums Up Self Esteem in Children
Key Elements of Self-Esteem
There are three key elements of self-esteem. Once we know what they are, we know what we can actually do as parents.
It’s worth knowing one more thing: self-esteem and self-confidence are not the same thing. When a child has low self-esteem, he might resort to over-the-top behaviour that looks like confidence — but that’s just a mask. Real confidence comes from a strong, healthy sense of self, built from all three key areas of self-esteem.
The first key every parent needs to know is this: build your child’s competence. Build his ability to do things for himself, because competence builds confidence. This first key element is what we’ll focus on in this article.
So how do you build a child’s competence? Ask yourself:
- “What would my child benefit from being able to do for himself?”
- “What does my child love to do?”
Helping build your child’s competence — both in practical life skills and in the things he loves doing — is key to building his self-esteem.
7 Useful Tips on Building Self-Esteem
#1. Let Them Do Jobs
Encourage your child to tackle age-appropriate tasks he can do for himself. Young children love helping with tasks like unpacking the groceries — learning how to carry different items (including eggs!), how to sort and store, and how to follow directions. Older children will enjoy the challenge of tasks that stretch their capabilities a little further.
Recommended Reading: 40 Chores for Kids Depending On Their Age
#2. Guide Them on How to Respond If an Accident Happens
If an accident happens (broken eggs!), calmly help your child clean up and guide him on how to do it differently next time. It’s a key life lesson that we can clear up a mess and start again when things don’t go smoothly.
#3. Give Your Child Plenty of Opportunity to Practise New Skills
She wants to learn to feed herself, to paint, to cut with scissors. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t always get it “right” — it’s in the doing that she develops competence.
Recommended Reading: 30 Life Skills Every Child Should Learn
#4. Let Them Have the Odd Tumble
Take sensible measures to keep your child safe, but recognise that the odd little bump is part of the learning experience of childhood. A toddler will sometimes tumble when learning to run — that’s how he learns to run. Your job as a parent is to help him build the competence to run while avoiding the kind of severe fall that could hurt him and knock his confidence.
#5. Let Them Try Something a Little Challenging, Even If They Might Fail
If your child tries a task and doesn’t quite manage it, resist the urge to rush in and do it for him. Gently encourage instead. Competence comes from practice — the unspoken message you want to give is always, “You can do this.”
#6. Break Tasks Up Into Bite-Size Lessons
When your child is learning something new, break the task into bite-size chunks. For example, if he wants to cut his own sausage, guide him to first push the fork into the sausage to hold it still, then slide the knife along the prongs to cut through it, and finally lift the fork to eat the cut piece.
#7. Avoid Over-the-Top Praise
Sometimes words meant as encouragement can get in the way rather than help. Phrases like “You’re terrific!” or “That’s brilliant!” can create anxiety rather than boost confidence. Children often respond better to quiet observation or calm, descriptive words: “You’re drawing round and round with the yellow crayon.” “You’re cutting the sausage all by yourself.”
Recommended Reading: Equip Your Kids With Life Skills They Really Need
Read on to discover the other keys to building your child’s self-esteem:
- Key 2: Developing a stronger sense of connection to themselves and others
- Key 3: How they can feel better about themselves and recognise their unique value
- Finally, read the one secret most parents don’t know about children’s self-esteem
These three components of self-esteem were introduced to me through the work of Danish author Jesper Juul. His book, “Your Competent Child,” has been one of the most informative works shaping my understanding of what’s needed to create environments where children can thrive.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence?
Self-esteem is a child’s overall sense of their own worth and value. Self-confidence is more specific — it’s belief in the ability to do a particular task. A child can look confident on the surface while still struggling with low self-esteem underneath; genuine confidence grows out of real, well-rounded self-esteem.
What age should I start building my child’s self-esteem?
There’s no set starting age — self-esteem begins developing from infancy, through everyday interactions, and continues to be shaped right through childhood and the teenage years. Simple, age-appropriate tasks and encouragement work well from toddlerhood onward.
Does praising my child too much damage their confidence?
Over-the-top praise (“You’re amazing!”, “That’s brilliant!”) can sometimes create pressure or anxiety rather than build genuine confidence. Calm, specific, descriptive comments about what your child is actually doing tend to be more helpful and reassuring.
Related Articles
- 7 More Useful Tips on How to Build Self-Esteem in Your Child
- Why These 7 Good Tips Help Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem
- The One Secret Parents Don’t Know About Children’s Self-Esteem
- 40 Chores for Kids Depending On Their Age
- 30 Life Skills Every Child Should Learn
Save These Ideas for Later
Building self-esteem happens in small, everyday moments rather than one big conversation, so it helps to have these ideas on hand when you need them. Bookmark this page or save it to your parenting folder so you can come back to it whenever you need a reminder.
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Over to you! Do you have any other tips you find useful for building self-esteem in your child? Let us know in the comments below.
