Every caring parent knows that being present and in the moment with your child — setting aside phones, screens and distractions — is what helps children thrive and what makes for a happier, more harmonious home. But the reality is that this is much easier said than done. And there are more obstacles to being present than just technology. Which ones do you face?
Suzie is making supper, trying to follow the recipe exactly because she wants the meal to be perfect for her partner’s new business colleague, who’s coming for dinner that evening.
“Oh, I haven’t forwarded that email to the boss!”
It only takes a few moments, but while the laptop’s open she pauses to check what’s happening on her phone.
Her toddler’s screams break into her consciousness.
“Stop it,” she calls out, rushing to the rescue. “Leave your sister alone.”
In a few moments, the family peace has been blown apart. Suzie jiggles her toddler, trying to soothe her. As she tries to cope with her eight-year-old’s protests of “It’s not fair, she’s your favourite!” she smells the food starting to burn.
We’ve all been there. We’ve paid the price of letting other priorities crowd out our children’s needs, and we’ve forgotten, just for a moment, the importance of being in the moment with them.
In my book, Baby and Toddler On Board, I talk about “crossing the bridge” into your child’s world. You can’t connect with your child’s experience if you’re still focused on life on your own side of the bridge.
Imagine approaching a narrow bridge. Your child is on the other side and needs you. But everything you’re carrying makes it hard to cross. Wouldn’t you put your load down to reach them?
The truth is, we’re often so caught up in what’s going on in our own lives that we don’t see what’s happening for our child — or we have so much going on that we can’t see past our own overload.
Here are 10 obstacles that can easily get in the way of mindful, present parenting. See which ones might be tripping you up.
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The Barriers Parents Face to Being Present
#1. Park your “perfect parent” ego
The perfect parent has an immaculate house, perfectly behaved children, a delicious healthy meal on a beautifully laid table, and always looks camera-ready.
None of that is real life. As one parent put it, “I might manage one of those things for a couple of hours, as well as being a connected parent. Add a second, and my wheels fall off.”
#2. Park your need for a “perfect” child
Likewise, if your mind is full of how your child “should” behave, you won’t be able to see and respond to what they’re actually experiencing in the moment. Children are human too — they have meltdowns, squabble, and get cranky. The challenge isn’t to change their behaviour in that instant. It’s to cross the bridge and understand what’s driving it.
#3. Park your thoughts of what “should” or “shouldn’t” happen
We all think we know best. We think we know how everyone else should behave and what “should” happen. When we try to control other people’s behaviour and outcomes, that baggage keeps us firmly stuck on our own side of the bridge.
#4. Park your anxiety
Strong emotions get in the way — even happy, over-enthusiastic ones, if your child isn’t connected to that feeling with you. But anxiety in particular shouldn’t be allowed to take the wheel, because when fear is in charge, we tend to over-control, fuss or grumble.
When you’re anxious, you’re living in some imagined future that probably won’t happen — not present in the moment with your child. And it’s not our job to keep our children happy all the time. It’s our job to help them learn to handle the full range of human emotions, because that’s life. For more on this, see Five Useful Tips On How to Support Your Upset Child.
#5. Park your frustration
Anger and frustration also try to grab the steering wheel, pushing their own agenda. They leave no space in your head or heart to recognise or hear what your child really needs.
You’ll never cross the bridge into your child’s world while strong negative emotions are competing for your attention. First, take a step back, notice your breathing, and ask yourself: “What really matters here?”
#6. Park your “get over it” reaction
Some parents hate seeing their child upset and try to rush through it, with comments like “It doesn’t matter” or “That’s no big deal.”
But if it matters to your child, then it matters. If it’s a big deal to them, then it’s a big deal. Park your need for instant calm. Be present in the upsets too — that’s often when your child needs you the most.
Learning to empathise with your child now builds a bridge you’ll be glad you maintained when the challenges of the teenage years arrive.
#7. Park your need to “fix it”
Many parents want to rush in and make everything better the moment their child is upset, rather than staying present in the discomfort until their child is ready to find their own way forward. Instead, the “bubble wrap” parent jumps straight in to solve the problem.
It’s more helpful to calm your child first, then help them think about what they want to happen and how they might make that happen themselves. If you tend to jump into fix-it mode, think back to a recent situation. Did you rescue your child in a way that made them a “victim” — or did you champion them, building their competence and confidence as well as your relationship? Can you park your fix-it mode so you can cross the bridge and support your child without trying to control the outcome?
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#8. Park your phone, laptop, TV or other device
Putting your device down isn’t just good for your child’s wellbeing and your connection with them — it’s good for you too.
When we’re busy staying connected to the whole world, we lose connection with the people who matter most: the ones who rely on us for their wellbeing, both psychologically and physically.
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#9. Park your work
Even if you work from home — especially if you work from home — you and your children need clear boundaries. What’s work time, and what isn’t? Even when you’re not physically working, are your thoughts still there? Children sense it when we’re not fully present, even if we’re in the room.
#10. Park your story
It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts about your child “behaving badly,” or to look for someone else to blame, rather than owning your own part in a family upset. The truth is, we can be right, or we can be in relationship. Which will you choose? Will you work through the barriers stopping you from being present with your child?
Being Present in the Moment with Your Child
Take a moment to think about each of the barriers above, because that awareness will help you ask yourself: “What do I need to park today, to be fully present for these precious moments with my children?”
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again — these early years fly by. What you’ll want to remember are the happy, connected moments when you laid the foundation for a lifelong, warm relationship with your child.
Here are some words from a wise young mother, Rebekah Florence, on the importance of being present with your children:
“Friends, never underestimate the redemptive potential of your words, your smiles and your gratitude — no matter how small you feel, or how little it seems, you don’t need to say or do anything big or elaborate to make a huge difference to someone’s life.”
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Need Help?
I offer one-to-one online parent coaching. Get in touch if you’d like the space to reflect on what’s working in your parenting, what’s not, and how to create calmer, happier family interactions.
As one client put it, “Working with Val as my parent coach is my opportunity to press my recalibrate button!”
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Which of these 10 obstacles gets in the way of you being present with your child, so you can “cross the bridge” into their world? Leave a comment below — we’d love to hear from you!
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to “be present” with your child?
Being present means giving your child your full attention in the moment — noticing what they’re feeling and experiencing, rather than being distracted by your own thoughts, worries, work or devices.
Why is it so hard to stay present with children?
Everyday life is full of competing demands: work, chores, emotions, screens, and our own expectations of ourselves and our children. Any of these can pull our attention away from what our child needs right now.
Does being present mean I have to be perfect?
No. In fact, letting go of the need to be a “perfect parent” with a “perfect child” is one of the biggest steps toward being genuinely present. Presence is about connection, not perfection.
How can I get better at being present with my child?
Start by noticing which of the obstacles above shows up most often for you. Simply becoming aware of what pulls your attention away is often the first step to setting it aside more easily.
Related Articles
- 3 Easy Ways to Encourage Your Child To Open Up
- When Your Child Is Anxious About Starting School
- 101 Free Things to Do with Kids that will Cost Nothing but Time
- How to Parent With Discipline Not Punishment
Save This for Later
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