Every parent has moments when they wish they knew what was really going on in their child’s mind. Whether you’re parenting a toddler who has gone quiet, a preschooler who seems unhappy but won’t say why, or a tween or teen who insists “nobody understands,” here are 3 easy ways to encourage your child to open up.
“Why won’t my child listen!” Mary sighs. She’s worried her daughter is getting caught up with the wrong crowd.
“But she won’t tell me what’s going on!” Mary says. “How do I get her to open up?”
The truth is, our children can’t hear our concerns until they feel heard first.
If it feels like your words are falling on deaf ears, this is for you. The first thing to know is: if your child isn’t open to hearing your concerns, trying to insist they listen won’t work.
Instead, ask yourself: “What can I do to build a sense of trust?”
In every interaction, our brains are quietly scanning to work out whether it’s safe to trust. This matters because a child won’t open up and share what’s going on for them unless they feel that sense of trust. If a relationship feels at all conflictual, a child will draw back to protect themselves, or shift into “fight” mode.
So if something is worrying you about your child and you want to encourage them to open up, rather than trying to “make your child listen,” turn your attention to:
“How do I build my child’s sense of trust so they will open up and share?”
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Top Tips to Encourage Your Child to Open Up
Here are three easy ways to encourage your child to open up:
#1. Cross the Bridge
Stop focusing on your opinions and your agenda. Instead, mentally reposition yourself in your child’s world, so you can get a real sense of how life looks from their point of view. This helps you understand your child’s perspective — and once you understand it, you can respond to what they actually need.
Imagine your child living in a different land, on the other side of a river. To understand their world and their experience, you need to cross the bridge and focus on their side of things. When your child senses you are genuinely listening — without judging, and without becoming overwhelmed by your own frustration or anxiety — they’ll be far more likely to share what’s on their mind.
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#2. Park Your Own Agenda
To cross the bridge, you first need to park your own agenda, your own busyness, and your own strong emotions. You can’t cross the bridge while you’re still standing firmly in your own paradigm.
Let go of your own criticisms and judgements for a moment. Set aside your thoughts about what should or shouldn’t be happening. This matters because you can’t connect with your child’s experience while you’re focused on life on your side of the bridge.
#3. Mirror Your Child’s Experience
Focus on what your child is saying, and reflect their experience back to them. Let your voice, your energy, your face and your body language be in rapport with your child. Stay present. Your child will sense when you’re genuinely trying to connect with their experience.
There are other benefits too. When you cross the bridge into your child’s world by mirroring their experience, you build your own awareness of their perspective. You also give them the chance to “hear themselves think,” which helps them get clearer on their own choices. It can even give them space to reconsider a situation — even if they’re not ready to share that with you yet.
Doing this doesn’t just build trust between you and your child. It also nurtures your child’s growing sense of self, helping them think about who they are and who they want to be.
Your child will sense when you’re genuinely trying to connect with how life feels in their world. And that builds the foundation of trust that lets you truly hear and understand each other.
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Assess and Reflect
Now it’s over to you. Think about your last encounter with your child. Whether it went smoothly or not, shift your focus away from what your child did or didn’t do, and instead ask yourself:
1. Did I cross the bridge?
2. Did I park my own agenda?
3. Did I mirror my child’s experience?
It helps to reflect on the good moments, not just the tricky ones — because when we notice what’s working, we learn how to get more of what we want from our parenting interactions.
These are three easy ways to encourage your child to open up. Like a figure of eight in ice-skating, it’s simple once you know how — and once you’ve had a bit of practice.
Parenting, like any other skill, gets easier with guidance and practice.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why won’t my child open up to me?
Children hold back when they don’t feel a strong sense of trust in the moment — even in loving relationships. If a conversation feels tense or judgemental, a child is likely to protect themselves rather than share. Building trust, staying calm, and listening without an agenda makes it much easier for a child to open up naturally.
What should I do if my child shuts down when I ask questions?
Try stepping back from direct questioning and instead focus on being present and non-judgemental. Reflect back what you notice rather than pushing for answers. Often, children open up more when they don’t feel pressured to explain themselves immediately.
Does this approach work for toddlers as well as teens?
Yes. The core idea — building trust by seeing things from your child’s point of view — applies at every age. How it looks in practice will differ (a toddler may show you through behaviour rather than words), but the underlying approach of listening without judgement works across all ages and stages.
Related Articles
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- 7 Useful Tips On How to Build Self Esteem in Your Child
Want More Ideas Like This?
Looking for more ways to strengthen your connection with your child? Browse our family life section for more practical parenting ideas, or save this article to come back to next time you need a reminder.
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