“No!”
Arms folded across his little chest. Lip protruding. Your toddler is looking at you defiantly, and battle is about to commence. What happened to that cute, easy-going baby?
It’s easy to have panicky thoughts when your toddler resists. All sorts of things can race through our heads:
“If she’s like this now, how will I ever cope when she’s a teenager?”
“How dare she talk back to me like that!”
“She’s just trying to make my life miserable.”
“I can’t let her get away with this.”
Here’s the good news: she’s not trying to get at you, make your life miserable, or be impossible. She’s simply moving into a new developmental stage.
As much as you loved that cuddly little baby, you know he needs to grow up. You wouldn’t want him still relying on you to feed him, change him and meet his every need as an adult, would you?
Our children are pre-programmed to grow up. And while we all know this logically, we forget that it means they’ll be emotionally growing and stretching, as well as physically. As one mum put it: “I was just beginning to get comfortable with how to cope with being the parent of a baby, when the rug was pulled out from under my feet!”
Self-assertion is one of the tasks toddlers work on at this stage. If you keep in mind that they’re practising this with you, you’ll probably find it easier to go with the flow. The last thing you want is to find yourself caught in a power struggle with your toddler.
You may also enjoy: 5 Mistakes Not To Make When Dealing with Toddler Tantrums
6 Practical Tips For When Your Toddler Protests
#1. Plan ahead and build in enough time to move at their pace
When you’re not rushing, you’re less likely to get stressed, even if your child does protest. And when you’re calm, you’re more likely to spot the early warning signs that can stop a situation spiralling out of control.
#2. Recognise that your child is doing the best they can right now
Your child isn’t trying to wind you up or push your buttons. They’re trying to figure out who they are. They need you to be patient and to give them the support they need during this developmental phase.
#3. If your stress level starts rising, focus on calming yourself
Try breathing in while counting up to 7, then breathing out while counting from 8 to 11. If you find your stress overwhelms you, you’ll find practical help in our article on the one essential thing to stop yelling at your kids, or in the book Stop Yelling – Nine Steps to Calmer, Happier Parenting.
#4. Where possible, give your child a simple choice
Often a toddler is trying to gain some sense of control over their own life. Simple choices can help reduce rising tension:
“Would you like Weetabix or porridge for breakfast?”
“Would you like to do up your seat belt, or shall I do it?”
#5. Take time to coach your child in basic tasks for themselves
Help your child learn to do things independently, like putting on their coat or buttering their own toast. Being able to “do it myself” builds a child’s confidence and often defuses potential frustration hot-spots between you. It also means they’re better equipped for pre-school and other situations where you won’t be there to do everything for them.
#6. Find creative solutions to sidestep potential power struggles
Figure out ways to meet your child’s needs and interests while still getting done what you need to get done.
For example, you need to go to the shop, but they don’t want to go. Rather than focus on persuading them to fall in with your plan, think about what might make the trip appealing to them. Try something like: “Let’s walk to the shop and see if that digger is still working on the corner.”
You may also enjoy: How to Discipline Your Child – 4 Tips For the Proactive Parent
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does my toddler suddenly say “no” to everything?
Saying “no” is a normal part of toddler development. Your child is learning self-assertion and beginning to understand that they’re a separate person with their own wants — it’s not defiance for its own sake, and it’s not personal.
What’s the quickest way to defuse a power struggle in the moment?
Focus on calming yourself first. A few slow breaths — in for a count of 7, out for a count of 8 to 11 — can stop your own stress escalating the situation, making it easier to spot an early warning sign before things boil over.
Do toddler power struggles mean I’m doing something wrong as a parent?
No. This is a normal, healthy developmental stage as toddlers practise independence. Staying patient and offering support through it is exactly what your child needs from you right now.
Can giving my toddler choices really help?
Yes. Simple choices, such as picking their breakfast or doing up their own seat belt, give a toddler a genuine sense of control, which often reduces the urge to dig in and resist.
Related Articles
- 5 Mistakes Not To Make When Dealing with Toddler Tantrums
- How to Discipline Your Child – 4 Tips For the Proactive Parent
- The One Essential Thing to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
Before You Go
Toddler power struggles come and go in waves, and every family has their own version of the battle over coats, breakfast or seat belts. If this article was useful, take a browse through our other family life articles for more everyday parenting ideas you can dip into whenever you need them.
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