‘Toddler’ and ‘tantrum’ are two words that seem to go together as naturally as bacon and eggs. If you’re in the thick of it right now, you’re not alone — and you’re not doing anything wrong just because your toddler is melting down.
When your toddler has a tantrum, it’s easy to find yourself second-guessing every move, especially with well-meaning advice coming from every direction. What your child actually needs in that moment is for you to stay calm and in control. These tips will help you avoid the most common mistakes parents make when dealing with toddler tantrums — no matter how intense (or loud) they get.
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Toddler Tantrums – and How NOT to Deal With Them
#1. Don’t Ignore your Toddler
Ignoring includes pretending the tantrum isn’t happening, leaving the room, or walking away.
A young child having a tantrum is in emotional distress. He needs your calm presence to help him regain his equilibrium. Ignoring your toddler can feel to him like abandonment — at exactly the time he needs you most.
#2. Don’t Laugh at Him
Would you like to be laughed at when you’re feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed?
There’s sometimes a brief window before a meltdown fully takes hold when rising emotion can be diverted into laughter, defusing a stressful moment. But a helpful interaction is always about laughing with your toddler — never laughing at your toddler.
#3. Don’t Have a Tantrum Too
Whether it’s a genuine loss of temper or a mock version of your child’s tantrum, remember you’re the adult here. Your child is out of control and needs to know someone has a handle on the situation when she’s ‘lost it’. She needs you to model calm, mature behaviour.
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#4. Don’t Tell Her to ‘Be Good’ or to Behave Herself
In that moment, she’s behaving as well as she can. A young child’s brain is still under construction, and telling her to ‘be good’ sends the message that right now she’s ‘bad’. She’s not bad — she’s overwhelmed.
Imagine how you’d feel if, in a moment of distress and tears, the people who love you told you to ‘behave’ or ‘be good’, rather than comforting you.
#5. Don’t Take Him Literally
If your child tells you he hates you, don’t respond by insisting you love him. That’s not helpful, because it takes his words literally instead of listening to what he’s really trying to express with his limited vocabulary.
When he says “I hate you,” he probably means, “I hate how you are being right now” — and perhaps he has a point. Stop and check in with yourself: are you rushed, being over-insistent over something that isn’t a big deal, or otherwise pushing his buttons unnecessarily? If so, it’s okay to rein in your own behaviour and apologise for it.
His “I hate you” might really mean he hates the limit you’re setting right now. And that’s okay — learning to accept limits is part of growing up, even when it’s hard.
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What Is Helpful When Your Toddler Has a Tantrum?
We all know how stressful a toddler’s meltdown can feel, especially in public. But it’s often not the tantrum itself that gets to us — it’s the stories we tell ourselves about it. Have you ever reacted to your child’s tantrum with thoughts like these?
- “What will other people think?”
- “My child’s turning into a brat!”
- “I can’t control him.”
- “She’s being defiant.”
- “She’s going to end up in big trouble one day.”
None of those thoughts are true. They’re figments of your imagination running just as wild as your child’s tantrum.
When your toddler has a tantrum, try not to believe those anxious thoughts — they’ll only wind you up further. Stay in the present, focus on your own breathing, and choose to stay calm. When you steady your breathing, you steady your thoughts too — and that calm is exactly what your toddler needs from you.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How long do toddler tantrums usually last?
Every child is different, but most tantrums pass within a few minutes once the emotional wave has run its course. Staying calm and present tends to help them pass more quickly than reacting strongly does.
Should I give in to stop a tantrum?
Giving in isn’t necessary and can make future tantrums more frequent if your child learns it’s an effective way to change your mind. It’s more helpful to stay calm, hold the limit kindly, and offer comfort without changing your decision.
Is it normal for tantrums to happen in public more than at home?
Yes — public settings often add extra stress and stimulation for toddlers, which can make meltdowns more likely. Staying calm yourself, rather than worrying about who’s watching, is the most helpful response.
At what age do tantrums usually improve?
Tantrums are most common between roughly ages one and four, as toddlers develop language and emotional regulation skills. Most children have far fewer meltdowns by the time they start school, though every child’s pace is different.
Related Articles
- 8 Top Tips For Dealing With an Older Child’s Tantrum
- 10 Top Tips for Surviving Toddler Tantrums
- How to Avoid Getting Caught In a Power Struggle with Your Toddler
- 20 Tips for Avoiding Toddler Tantrums at the Supermarket
If tantrums are a regular feature of your week, you’re not alone — browse more of our toddler and family life articles for practical, real-world ideas from other parents.
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