Do you sometimes feel like you’ve become a busy chauffeur, ferrying your children to their after-school activities? Parenting expert Dr John Sharry shares his tips on getting the balance right on after-school activities in this parenting Q&A.
Question
We have three children aged nine, seven and four, who have busy social lives full of activities. Often, I feel that I have got into the role of a chauffeur as they seem to want to do everything! With the new school year looming, I am wondering how do you get the balance right with after-school activities – I want to cultivate their interests, of course, but I don’t want to be “running around” all the time.
Answer
Children seem to lead much busier lives these days, and parents can feel under increased pressure to provide more and more extra-curricular activities to keep up with what’s expected. However, it’s not clear that all this activity is beneficial, so you’re right to take a step back for a moment to consider what’s really important, especially before the busy schedules of the school term kick in.
Relaxed downtime is important
The first thing to consider is that children need regular relaxed “downtime” as much as they need stimulation and new opportunities. Hanging around at home and doing ordinary family-based things is as important as going to structured activities outside the home.
In fact, children learn important lessons by managing time alone and creatively dealing with boredom, rather than always having something planned for them.
In addition, regular relaxed time simply chatting and connecting with their parents is a crucial part of ensuring children’s wellbeing. Chatting over dinner or on the walk home from school matters just as much as ballet lessons or football training.
Balance everyone’s needs
The goal is to achieve a good balance. Harmonious family life comes from a delicate balance between parents’ needs and children’s needs, between a child’s need for independence and their need for connection with their parents. These are personal family decisions. You know you’ve got the balance right when parenting is enjoyable and your children are content and happy.
The balance is out of kilter if your children seem stressed or tired, or if you find yourself overstretched and “running around too much.” If your stress levels are too high, this takes the good out of parenting and reduces your ability to be there for your children. The key is to think through which activities really matter to each child’s social, emotional and learning needs, and to concentrate on those.
In my experience, though children can initially complain that they’re not doing as much as their friends, they’re often much happier doing less outside the home and being more involved in ordinary family activities.
Planning tips
Careful planning can make a big difference to managing busy family schedules.
- Try to organise activities so your children do them at the same time in the same place, to save on journeys.
- Share the burden of transport with other parents.
- If your children are older, give them some responsibility for getting there themselves.
Make sure the schedule meets your own needs for relaxed personal time, as well as “fun” time with your children. The key is to find win-win solutions. For example, it might work well to prioritise taking your daughter to ballet lessons if this matters to her, if the journey gives you enjoyable one-to-one time chatting with her, and you get to relax or read while you wait for the lesson to finish. Walk to and from the class, and you get your daily exercise in too.
About the author
Dr John Sharry is the author of ten parenting and positive psychology books, including Positive Parenting, Parenting Teenagers and When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope. He is also co-developer of the evidence-based Parents Plus courses. For more on his books and courses, see his website www.solutiontalk.ie.
Frequently asked questions
How many after-school activities should my child do?
There’s no fixed number that works for every child. A good guide is to watch how your child responds — if they seem tired, stressed or reluctant, it may be time to scale back. Quality time and downtime matter just as much as structured activities.
Is it okay to say no to an activity my child wants to try?
Yes. You can acknowledge their interest while being honest about what fits your family’s time and energy. You might suggest trying it for a term, or revisiting it later, rather than committing indefinitely.
How do I manage the school run when activities clash?
Where possible, group activities by time or location, share lifts with other parents, or let older children take on more responsibility for getting themselves there.
What if my child feels left out because their friends do more activities?
It’s common for children to compare themselves to friends. Gently explain your family’s reasons for the balance you’ve chosen, and reassure them that time at home together is valuable too.
Related articles
- 7 Tips for Giving Your Child Independence
- Managing Family Routines Without the Stress
- Simple Ways to Build More Family Time Into Your Week
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If you found these tips helpful, why not browse more parenting advice and family life ideas on MyKidsTime? There’s plenty more to explore on managing routines, building family connection, and supporting your children through school life.
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