As parents, sex can quickly slide to the bottom of the to-do list. Between work, kids, and everyday exhaustion, finding time — or energy — for each other isn’t easy. So here’s the question worth asking: is it time to bring back the quickie?
It’s completely natural for sexual desire to change once the early rush of a relationship settles. Think of it like a jar of pennies: in the first couple of years together, you’d be adding a penny every time you had sex. Fast forward a few years of parenting, and you’re taking pennies out far more often than you’re putting them in. That jar rarely gets emptied at either stage — and that’s normal.
Plenty of parents feel this way. It’s one of the most common things couples say when work, kids, or trying to conceive get in the way of intimacy. The good news is that a little understanding — and a shift in expectations — can make a real difference.
Love, eat, pray
How do you keep the spark alive over the long term? Start by remembering the early days. What drew you to your partner in the first place? Over time, sex can end up squeezed into the bedtime routine somewhere between brushing teeth and turning off the light — or reserved only for weekends, or worse, only for fertile-window timing each month.
If that sounds a little too clinical for comfort, it helps to understand a bit of the science behind desire.
Fully charged
Attraction, desire, and libido are closely tied to a feedback loop in the body known as the Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Gonadal axis, which connects emotions, hormones, and the reproductive system. Each part influences the others.
So if you’re feeling stressed, grumpy, or resentful, that can genuinely dampen the flow of the hormones that support desire. On the flip side, a bit of playful connection can shift your mood surprisingly fast. Key players here include oxytocin, dopamine, progesterone, and oestrogen.
Touchy-feely
Oxytocin is often called the “cuddle hormone.” Touching, hugging, and kissing all trigger its release, bringing feelings of trust, warmth, and closeness while easing anxiety-related chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol.
Simple things help fire it up: holding hands, hugging, a shoulder rub, eye contact, a smile. Closeness builds a calm, loving connection — and often becomes the natural lead-in to more intimacy. Oxytocin is sometimes described as the “tend and befriend” hormone: it makes us feel friendlier, less anxious, and more inclined to look out for each other.
Making time for intimacy
Most of us spend more time scrolling social media, tweaking photos, or watching videos online than we ever spend thinking about intimacy — or planning for it. That’s not a criticism; it’s just how modern life tends to go. Work, exercise, and everyday responsibilities all matter. But it’s worth asking whether there’s room in the week for something that costs nothing and does so much good.
Sex isn’t just for Saturday night
Weekends don’t usually come with an early commute, so why not use a lazy morning as an opportunity? Kids can watch something on TV while parents grab some time together. A sleepover at grandparents’ house, if that’s an option for your family, can also be a simple way to buy a bit of grown-up time.
Getting back to basics matters. Sex works best as a source of connection — not as something withheld out of frustration, or offered as a reward.
Here’s a small exercise: picture your partner dressed up for a night out, and imagine looking at them the way a stranger might. Notice any spark of attraction — or even a flicker of jealousy at the thought of someone else noticing them too. That’s a good sign. Letting go of the small daily irritations and refocusing on connection can often put couples in a better place to sort out the bigger stuff too.
Pressure can show up in unexpected ways too. Some men experience temporary difficulties with intimacy while trying to conceive, particularly around a first pregnancy or after having a first child — often because they feel sidelined from the process or unsure of their role. It’s a common, and rarely discussed, experience for new dads.
Sex and wellbeing
Couples who maintain a regular, comfortable sex life often report better physical and mental wellbeing as they age compared with those who don’t. And intimacy doesn’t have to look one way. There’s romantic, unhurried intimacy; lazy Sunday-morning connection; playful moments; solo time; and yes — the quickie. During the busiest years of parenting, a quickie may be exactly the right fit, and that’s genuinely fine.
Happy parents tend to raise happy kids. If you’re worried about children overhearing or noticing affection between parents, try not to be. Handled naturally, it simply becomes part of the background of a loving home. Children learn what a warm, long-term relationship looks like by watching the adults around them hug, laugh, and make time for one another.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for sex to become less frequent after having kids?
Yes. Tiredness, new routines, and simply having less time to yourselves all play a part. Most couples experience a dip, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with the relationship.
How can busy parents make more time for intimacy?
Small, low-effort connection — holding hands, a hug, a few minutes together before the day gets going — helps keep closeness alive even when longer, uninterrupted time is hard to find. Using odd pockets of time, like a quiet weekend morning, can also help.
Will children be affected by hearing their parents being intimate?
Handled sensibly and without drama, it’s generally seen as a normal part of a loving household. It helps children understand, in an age-appropriate way, that affection is a natural part of long-term relationships.
What if one partner is experiencing ongoing difficulties with intimacy?
Occasional stress-related dips are common and usually pass. If difficulties are persistent or causing distress, it’s worth speaking with a GP or a qualified relationship or fertility counsellor for proper support.
Related articles
- Making Time for Your Relationship When You Have Young Kids
- Simple Ways to Reconnect With Your Partner as Busy Parents
- Supporting Each Other Through the Ups and Downs of Parenting
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